All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is to be able to hang one of these on my tree.... This is the third Christmas that I have said this... I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

Well, 5 doctor appointments, 3 blood tests, 9 shots to the belly (and one to the thigh) later, I have officially survived my first round of injectables! We did the IUI on Saturday, and could you guess?  My blood pregnancy test is scheduled for January 1st. So either we ring in the new year with the best news possible or the worst.

We did Christmas a bit early this year because my MIL and SIL were here visiting for a week. This coincided precisely with when I had to begin the injectables. The first night was a disaster, I didn't screw the needle on properly, and as I injected the solution ended up all over the floor, and I had no idea how much I got in.  I called the nurse panicked the next morning, and she had me do a half a dose right then, and then back to normal that evening.  I must say that it never really got any easier to inject myself, I would prepare everything and then just stand there for an eternity with the needle an inch from my abdomen telling myself "Just do it already, it's not that bad, just get it over with" while my hand refused to budge.  

It simply seems that Christmas this year has been totally consumed with infertility treatments and reminders.  While opening Christmas presents, we got a call reminding me of an upcoming doctors appointment.  On the way to see a Christmas production of "The Grinch" I got another phone call to remind me of an appointment.  Before we went out at night I had to take my shot, and if we were already out for the day, we had to be home in time for me to do my shot.  Not to mention having to leave the family for doctors appointments every couple of days, or the fact that my arm looked like I could have been a heroin addict from the bruises as a result of the constant blood tests.

Now the family is gone, and it's the first Christmas in 8 years that my husband and I will be spending on our own, dreaming of the day when we can hang that long awaited ornament on the tree, or hang that third stocking.

Tomorrow I go for a progesterone test, and  I also start progesterone suppositories, which is a first for me.  From what I hear, they are pretty awful (although I can't quite imagine anything being as awful as the shots, so I'm not too worried!). After that, just the preg. test on the 1st.

All we can do is  hope for a Christmas miracle!!

Suspicious Activity

So, something happened today that would have been pretty funny had it not been so embarrassing..... My credit card was declined.  Why? because apparently spending $800 dollars in a matter of hours on a doctors appointment and fertility meds is not normal, so they red flagged my account for suspicious transactions!!

There I am at the pharmacy, boxes of Menopur, syringes, and other such goodies stacked on the counter in front of me, and my card is being declined! So, they have me stand there and call the bank to figure out the problem. Ten minutes later, I'm talking to the lady at the bank verifying each every transaction that has taken place over the past week, while the line of impatient people behind me gets longer and longer!  Anyway, eventually it was all figured out, and I took my extremely large bag of drugs and headed out of there as quickly as possible!

So... as I'm sure you've guessed, it's finally time for the injectables.  I start them next Wednesday, and if all goes well, the IUI will be scheduled for a couple days before Christmas.  I mean, how else could I possibly want to spend the holidays?  I did the practice shot at the doctor's office, and I must say, that compared to the HCG shot, it was a piece of cake! I can't even describe how happy I am that the needle is so tiny, I mean, I seriously doubt that I could make myself jab that HCG needle into my body every day!

So.... here goes nothing!

Downregulation

Birth Control Pills????? Wait a minute, doesn't that PREVENT you from getting pregnant? Of all the things I was expecting to hear, the fact that I need to take birth control pills for a month was certainly not on the list!

Well, yesterday DH and I attended the infamous "Injectables Class" that we had to attend before starting Menopur.  Four infertile couples, sitting in a room, learning all about the risks and benefits of Menopur, playing with syringes (although luckily no practice shots were done... yet). Then the nurse dropped the bomb. We are the only couple who needed to do "downregulation", meaning that next month, I'll need to go on the pill to get my ovaries to "settle down" as the nurse put it. I guess this is a good thing, because when I start doing the shots, the follicles will all grow at the same rate instead of there already being a lead follicle.  

A good thing, yes, but also frustrating, because it means another month of doing nothing. This will make three months of doing nothing- first because I was "accidentally" told to take clomid, then because I wasn't scheduled for the class on time, and now because I need to be on the pill for a month.  Now seriously, surely I could have taken the pill this month without going to the class first! 

I guess this means that the Menopur cycle will take place in December- What a way to spend Christmas! It will also be exactly one year since we started treatment, and almost 3 years since we started TTC!

Seriously?

Yes, I am trying to say that I want to rip my hair out right about now!  Over the past month, nothing seems to be working out the way that it should. It's just been one setback after another. Allow me to start from the beginning.....

So DH got his semen analysis done again (after a series of previous conflicting results from different places, i.e, 0% morphology, then totally normal morphology). This time he got them both done in the same week to have as little variation as possible.  SO first he got his Kaiser results back- everything looks AMAZING, totally normal, better than last time. Hmmmm, well, they did say that it was normal last time to so... Then we got the results back from the other place (who told us it was 5% normal morphology last time) and this it was 3%!!! Yes, WORSE than last time, and definitely not normal. 

Now I am confused.  So far we have had 2 different places tell us that his morphology sucks, and Kaiser who keeps telling us that it's normal. Who are we supposed to believe? Do we go to a fourth place?? I am also royally pissed off because DH has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on acupuncture and herbs for the past 3 months that were supposed to be helping. Acupuncture guy said that it was the first time he had ever seen someone's results get worse instead of better. Great. Needless to say DH won't be doing any more acupuncture.

Next problem... Last month I saw a different doctor for my baseline ultrasound because mine was booked.  She told me to go ahead and start doing Clomid again. I did. Fast forward a week, and I'm back in the doctors office for another ultrasound. MY doctor walks in, and proceeds to tell me that he does not want me to do clomid anymore because it's obviously not working. He want's me to start injectables. He talks for about 20 minutes about our new plan of action, before he realizes that I have already done clomid this month! He pretty much says that we should not bother with the IUI, gives me the trigger shot right there in the office, and sends me home to get busy. I mean seriously, shouldn't the other doctor have consulted with my doctor before telling me to do clomid again??

After twiddling my thumbs for 2 weeks, waiting for this cycle to be over, AF showed up this weekend. So yesterday I called the doctor about scheduling a baseline ultrasound. They told me to come in at 2:15. About 15 minutes later, the nurse calls to ask if I have done the class for the injectables. Um, no. She then proceeds to tell me that I can't do injectables until I've done the class, and since they just had a class the previous week, the next one won't be till next Thursday! So pretty much this will be the second wasted month in a row. She told me that I could just do clomid again this month- um, no thanks.

Whirlwind

Well, another month has come and gone, and once again I'm back at the doctors office today for my baseline ultrasound, because... could you guess? I'm still not pregnant.

 It's kind of funny actually, because this month was anything BUT normal. It did start off normal enough, but then about a week before our scheduled IUI, I found out that my mother was going to need a total hysterectomy as she had stage 1 uterine cancer.  She wanted me to come and stay with her for about a week and a half because she was not sure what kind of state she would be in after the surgery. 

NOW, this would have been pretty simple, only she lives in Jamaica (yes, I'm from Jamaica, and yes,  there are white Jamaicans), AND I had my IUI scheduled for Monday Sept 6th, and her surgery was on Thursday the 9th!  Needless to say, I went to my IUI appointment at 10am, and was off to the airport headed to Jamaica by 2:30 the same day!  Of course as I printed my boarding pass I realized that somehow I had booked my last connection wrong, and had to spend 12 hours in Miami, but that's another story!

Anyway, it was pretty funny, because I was scheduling this whole trip to Jamaica ( have I mentioned that I have not been back in 9 years??) around IF treatments! I determined when I had to be back in the US by determining when I would need to be back for my next baseline ultrasound (what can I say, out of habit I had to assume that I was not going to be pregnant). When it was time for me to leave, my mom wanted me to stay longer.. how much longer? Well, it could not be more than four days, because I had to be back for a b.ultrasound by day 5 of my cycle. I mean seriously, how did everything in my life come to revolve around IF! In fact, my husband and I were thinking about what we were going to do for Christmas, and the first thing I thought about was how it might interfere with our treatment schedule!

The crazy thing is, this will be our fourth IUI with clomid... now I'm pretty sure that this is the last time that it will be this simple, I mean, until more drastic measures come into play. Needless to say I'm more hopeful than ever this cycle, as I don't want to face what seems to be the inevitable injectables and IVF.

Inevitable

I have decided that the most difficult days of the month are the last few days before AF is due to arrive. They used to be exiting and hopeful days, but now, they are just downright depressing. I am finding it hard to be optimistic anymore because, let's face it, after over 2 years of getting my hopes up only to be let down EVERY SINGE MONTH, it's kind of hard to think that "this month" will be any different. Instead, the inevitable happens-  my boobs start to get sore, and my BBT plummets... surpirse surprise. I guess AF will be here any time now. Guess I should start thinking about scheduling my baseline ultrasound for our third IUI.

I suppose I was hoping that this month would have been different. Hubby and I have been getting acupuncture for 3 months now. Acupuncture guy said that it takes 3 months to make a new batch of sperm, and that they have doubled patients morphology before.  I guess in my mind I was thinking that after 3 months, hubby's morphology woes would be cured and we'd get pregnant naturally... I guess not.

I want him to get another analysis done now that it has been 3 months, but I pretty nervous about it- what if nothing has changed? What if the past 3 months of pricey acupuncture and herbs have made no difference?  I guess I'll try to be hopeful for this, (what I think will be) our last IUI before resorting to more drastic measures. Hopefully the acupuncture really did make a difference, and our odds will be increased for the IUI this month.

Did I mention the cruel birthday joke I got played on me last month? Well, only a couple of days after my 30th birthday, (yes, the one I had always hoped I'd be pregnant by) I found out two things...
1. That my cousin was pregnant with baby #2.  I was still getting over baby #1 which is only a year old (I had always imagined that I would give my grandmother her first great grandchild, as I am her eldest grandchild). I gathered that they were a bit bummed because they hadn't wanted to be pregnant again so soon- POOR THEM!
2. Only a couple hours after I got this news, as I sat there thinking that it would be a really cruel joke if AF were to arrive... It did... Happy Birthday to me.

Seriously. It's not supposed to be this hard.

Bittersweet

Since we moved back to Cali in November we have been renting. We moved back a bit earlier than anticipated, and our tenants lease was not up until the end of July.

Last week was very bittersweet- we finally got the keys back, and it was like Christmas when the huge moving truck arrived with all of our belongings that we had not seen in 8 months. I literally mean ALL our belongings! We rented a furnished place downtown, so the only things that we did not have in storage were a couple suitcases worth of clothes and personal effects, and that's it!

It was also pretty sad, because when we left for Georgia, we imagined what it would be like when we moved back in with our child we were so certain that we would have.  I remember very distinctly saying "Goodbye house, next time I see you we will have a new addition, or maybe two!"  Sorry house.

I was thinking today of how many times over the years I freaked out when I did not take my birth control on time, or the time in college when a condom broke (my hubby met in college 9 years ago) and I rushed to Planned Parenthood for the morning after pill.  It is just funny to think how petrified I was that I would get pregnant back then, in comparison to now when I am so petrified that I won't. It is just so ironic that you end up devoting your life to achieving the very thing you tried so hard to avoid for so long.

1/3 Life Crisis

So.... ever since my husband turned 30 a couple weeks ago, he seems to have grown exceedingly impatient with the whole ttc journey.  He has asked me at least twice this week when we are going to do IVF.  I am actually surprised that he is saying this and not me, as I would have never thought that I would make it this long without saying "Screw baby steps, bring on the IVF!".

I must admit that I'm feeling a little impatient myself, but after learning more about what the IVF process entails physically on my part, I am a little more willing to proceed with baby steps, in hopes that it won't be necessary after all!  I don't think he quite understands what it entails physically for me, as all he has to do is provide some swimmers in a cup!  I mean seriously, I have a hard enough time with the one HCG shot for IUI's! I absolutely cannot imagine giving myself 2-3 shots a day for up to two weeks! Not to mention the whole egg retrieval process. And of course, we can't forget about the price tag! And then, what if after everything, it doesn't work??

In all honesty, after this next month of acupuncture and herbs, I think we will do one more IUI, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure we will end up doing IVF.

Aunt Flo

Did you guess? Yup Dear Aunt Flo is here! I'm sure she's quite confused as to what she has been doing wrong for the past two years to cause me such distress when she shows up. "But I used to bring you such peace of mind" I can hear her say. Oh Aunt Flo, I know it's hard to understand, but I think we need some time apart.... Perhaps you can go visit some 16 year old for about 9 months... what do you think?

Anyway, I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow, and I need to make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound, just to make sure everything is all clear.  I do think that we're going to hold off on the IUI's for another month, and make it a full three months of just acupuncture and herbs for the hubby and I.

Also, I guess I need something new to aspire to- I am now hoping for a baby by the time I'm 31, as obviously the whole 30 thing didn't work out... Thanks a lot Aunt Flo!

The Big 30

Well, it's official, I'm not in my twenties anymore! Yup, I turned the big 30 yesterday.  It's a pretty weird feeling, because 30 has always seemed so far away.  How can I be 30 and still feel like a kid?

Anyway, last month I was trying to be optimistic that I would be granted my biggest wish- to be pregnant by the time I turned 30... Am I pregnant you ask? Well, I don't know! I should be getting my period like NOW if I'm not.

I went to the acupuncturist this week, and he thought that my BBT chart looked like I could be pregnant.  Exiting, yes, but after two years of trying,  I knew better than to get my hopes up.  He told me to take a pregnancy test in about 3 days if I hadn't gotten my period. Today would be day 3. Have I gotten my period? No. Am I taking a test? No. I really can't start off my first day as a 30 year old with ANOTHER lonely pink line. I'll give it another day or two... or maybe even three. In other words, I'll wait until I am definitely late!

It's pretty crazy how much herbs we are consuming- we literally go through a bottle of pills each every 10 days!  We have also been pretty diligent about getting our acupuncture appointments in every week.Two weeks ago he actually attached electrodes to the needles, so it was kind of like getting my ovaries electrocuted for 45 minutes!

Anyway, I'm tentatively keeping my fingers crossed... I'll let you know what happens!

Fran the Follicle

Meet Fran the follicle! Turns out the pesky leftover cyst is still around this month, so IUI's are still on hold. I was actually planning to take another month (or maybe two) off from Clomid and IUI's anyway, so I wasn't too bummed out.  I'm certainly not missing giving myself the HCG shot!

I'm feeling pretty good about the acupuncture and herbs that my hubby and I have been doing. I guess only time will tell how much of a difference they make!

I also started doing BBT charting, which is actually pretty fun....

No this isn't mine, if only it were this perfect!

He's th.. thi... thirty!!

Well, we didn't celebrate fathers day this weekend, but we did celebrate my husband's birthday. He was actually born on Father's Day, although this year his birthday fell on a Saturday.

It's kind of funny, ever since we got married six years ago, people have been asking us when we were going to have kids. I never knew for sure, but figured that it would definitely be by the time I turned 30. It's also pretty funny to think about how far away thirty seemed back then. Even when we started trying two years ago, it seemed certain that we would have at least one kid by now. 

For my husband, I guess the dream of having a kid by the time he turned thirty is over. For me, well, I still have one more month to go. My birthday is in exactly thirty two days. At this point it looks pretty doubtful that I'll be pregnant by then, but I can still dream... for 32 more days.

I never really thought about my life after thirty. Well, I imagined what my life would be like, but when it came to putting a deadline or date to certain things, it was always- I'd like to do x y & z by the time I'm thirty, or I'm sure that x y & z will have happened by the time I'm thirty. Now all of a sudden, thirty isn't some number in the distant future, it's only 32 days away!

As far as everything to do with getting pregnant goes, we are still on the holistic journey this month. Taking our herbs, and getting acupuncture every week. Tomorrow will be my fourth, and Friday will be my husbands third. He is pretty proud of the fact that he can now swallow six pills at once! Since he takes about 20 pills a day between vitamins and herbs, I convinced him that taking them one at a time was going to consume his life! It only took him about 3 days to make his way up to six- guess I'm a pretty good teacher ;)

Going the Holistic Route

This month is dedicated to all things natural!  I went to the doctor for my baseline ultrasound on Monday to get our third IUI underway, only to hear that I still had a very large cyst (follicle) from last month.  Now I know why they do baseline ultrasounds- to make sure that you DON"T have one of these! She said that it should go down soon, but that we can't do anything IUI wise this month. As I walked out, she told me "Have a nice June, give us a call next month!"

I went to the acupuncturist on Tuesday for my second appointment and heard that my husbands tie breaking semen analysis was in! In a nutshell, it was not as bad as the first (which gave him 0% normal morphology) and not as good as the second one (which gave him 14% or greater normal morphology). It was actually closer to the first one, giving him 5% normal morphology, which is still pretty bad (normal is >14%).  I guess it's kind of like getting a D in school- you didn't fail, but you still did pretty badly!

I feel a lot better now that we have a third opinion.  The acupuncturist said that he has had a lot of success improving morphology- even doubling it! So, to make a long story short, we will both be doing acupuncture for fertililty!  I figure that it can only help, even if we end up resorting to IVF, at least the sperm, eggs, and my uterus will be in better condition!!  I left with a bottle of pills (herbs) for each of us. Four pills three times a day for me on days 4-14 of my cycle, and six pills two times a day for my hubby (to make it easier for him to remember)!

I'm feeling very optimistic and exited about embarking on this holistic journey!  I really believe that it is going to make a difference. I'm also pretty exited about having a month free of doctors appointments and Clomid!

The sun will come out....

I'm feeling pretty optimistic today! No, I'm not pregnant, but the two things that we have been talking about doing for months are finally happening.

1. Acupuncture
2. Third semen analysis- for the long awaited tie breaker!

I really don't care what the results are for the semen analysis, I just have not been comfortable with the fact that we have two completely opposite sets of results from two different places. I just don't want to be wasting money month after month with IUI's and the like, if ICSI is really the only option.

As far as acupuncture goes, I have heard many good things about it, in terms of improving fertility, so I'm exited to be finally trying it out.

Regardless, I am feeling more optimistic today than I have felt in months. By mid week next week, we should have results for the semen analysis, I will have had my second round of acupuncture, and I will have had my third baseline ultrasound. Busy week!

(I did take the acupuncturist's advice this morning, and eat 2 organic eggs for breakfast!)

Alternative Methods

Today I tried something new (well, new for me, anyway)... Acupuncture!  The place I went to specializes in fertility acupuncture, so I figured, why not? Anything to improve my odds! The appointment was almost 2 hours long, and was mostly spent in a room answering what seemed like a million questions- the majority of which were about my period.  Way more thorough than any doctors visit. At the end of it I had an acupuncture session, he said that since I did not know whether I was pregnant or not, he would just do something to support the luteal phase of my cycle. I had needles on my head, face, arms, legs, hands, feet, and stomach! He also put a heat lamp over my abdomen. It was pretty relaxing, and not painful at all. He examined my tongue several times, took my pulse and gave me his observations.

He told me that I should avoid cold foods, like cold salads, beverages etc. This would be okay, except my favorite thing to make is a fruit smoothie!  He said that the best thing was to drink whole milk and full fat dairy products (if I had cysts, or fibroids etc. I would have been told to avoid dairy), lots of steamed vegetables, organic eggs and grains. He also said that in the beginning of my cycle I should eat red meat (my husband will love that one!). He gave me a whole binder about natural fertility and acupuncture that I have yet to look through, and sold me whey powder with stevia sweetener (not artificial sweetener) and green powder.  He said he will wait to see if I'm pregnant or not to decide what herbs to give me.

 I have another appointment on Tuesday, so I'll let you know how it goes!

I have not taken a pregnancy test this month.  If it were last month, I would have taken 2 by now. I'll know by tomorrow anyway depending on if I get my period or not. I really am done seeing those lonely pink lines.

IUI #2 Back in the Stirrups

 At exactly 12:30 this morning, the doctor marched into the room, syringe full of freshly washed sperm in hand and proclaimed "I feel really good about this one!". I couldn't help but wonder how many times a day he makes that proclamation, and how often his premonitions are correct.

I guess that it was easier this time around, knowing what to expect. I knew I was not going to have any kooky side effects from the Clomid, and I felt much better about giving myself the trigger shot (don't get me wrong, I am absolutely positive that sticking a needle in my leg will always be totally nerve wracking). Since my appointment was at noon, I had to give myself the shot at midnight. It was not a big production like the last time. I did it on my own, in the bathroom, while my husband slept, and then quietly slipped back into bed once it was over.

There is only one problem- my brain. Everyone says, that the mind is a powerful thing, and that I should think positively, it's just that I don't seem to be able to.  I just can't help being pessimistic about this whole IUI thing. I mean, I can see it helping if the "boys" had a hard time swimming, but since they are supposedly perfect in that respect, then whats the point? How is this really helping?  I guess I am still stuck on the whole IVF with ICSI scenario that we were convinced was our only option all those months ago, and just can't help but feeling that that is the only thing that is going to work, and that these doctors are just missing something. I'm trying really hard to be positive and tell myself "It's gonna work, it's gonna work", but the only thing that keeps coming out is "It's NOT going to work".

 On the other hand..... I was watching "Giuliana and Bill" yesterday, when they went to talk to an IVF specialist. I always knew that IVF was much more involved with shots and doctors appointments etc. But I never realized just HOW involved it was. I guess that I figured that the shots would be on the same schedule as the Clomid, once a day for 5 days, then harvest etc. I had no idea that it was 2-3 shots a day for 2 WEEKS!!! I can't even imagine. My leg is sore from just the one shot! And possibly having to go in for ultrasounds every day??? And worst of all, and I mean absolutely WORST of all, needing to have an IV in when it comes time to harvest the eggs.  Have I mentioned that IV's are my biggest nightmare? In fact, when it comes to having a baby, it's not labor that scares me, it's the IV.  And then, what if, after all the shots, all the doctors appointments, the IV, the stress, and not to mention the bill, it doesn't work???

I suppose it's no use worrying about that now, since we have not gotten to that point yet. My mother is coming to visit for a month on Tuesday, so that will help keep me occupied for the dreaded two week wait...

Not this Year

For the past three years as Mothers Day approaches, I have been optimistic that I will be able to celebrate as a  "mother to be", and imagine the next year, celebrating with my baby.  It seems each year I find out only a few days before Mothers Day, that it is in fact, not my year.

I guess it goes without say that I am not pregnant.  Only two days before Mothers Day I got my period. I knew it was coming from yesterday when I started having some cramps, but despite vowing to not take a pregnancy test until I was at least a day late (I have taken SO many pregnancy tests in the past, that I can't bear to see another negative result), I took one anyway, only to see.... yes, another negative result. This simple image of a single pink line, is in fact the thing I dread most in the world. Who would have thought that one pink line would be the image that I have nightmares about.

So I guess we are back to the drawing board. I need to call the doc. when the office opens in a few hours to schedule an appointment, and start the process all over again.  I am still feeling unsettled about my hubby's test results. It does not sit well with me that one place could say he has 0% normal sperm, while another says he's completely normal.  I am thinking that now more than ever I would like a third opinion, especially before we resort to more drastic measures. Oh well, happy someday Mothers Day to me! Hopefully next year I will be celebrating, either with a big belly, or with my own little bundle of joy!

One week to go!

Got my progesterone level checked yesterday- yes, more blood- I swear I've gotten more blood tests in the past couple months than I have in the last 29 years combined! I am not sure what it is about blood tests that I hate so much- It's not the blood, I can sit and watch people get cut open and operated on all day without feeling even the slightest big grossed out, but the second they get the needle out to do a blood test or put an IV in I have to look away! I have even in the past passed out after getting a blood test! I think I get it from my mom, because she is even worse than I am! I guess it it desensitizing me a bit- I still get a bit freaked out, but my anxiety level is going down a bit more each time!
ANYWAY, just got the results today, progesterone level 43.6! What does that mean? I have no idea.... I think it's pretty high, but I'm guessing maybe because I ovulated 2 eggs??? Oh well, one week to go before I can take a pregnancy test.............

Visualization

Hopefully this is what is happening right now....
I've officially been inseminated! After waiting for a very agonizing hour and fifteen minutes, the doctor finally came in, told us that my husbands "specimen" looked good, and we were on our way! It was a really fast procedure, probably about 5 minutes or under. He basically put the catheter in, injected the sperm, and VOILA! Then he inverted the bed, and told me to lie there upside down for fifteen minutes.
Next week I go in to the lab for a progesterone test, then a week later I can take a pregnancy test! Ahh the dreaded two week wait.  This one will definitely be the longest one I'm sure! Now just lots of positive thinking and visualization...
Oh, I also learned that my doctor became a first time dad to a baby girl yesterday!

1...2...3... GO!

I DID IT!!!

You Want Me To Stick That Needle WHERE?

I stuck a needle in my leg today!!  That's all that has been going through my head for the entire day! I know that all the people who have been doing this routinely must be thinking "big deal", but to me, it was an ENORMOUS deal! I stuck a needle in my leg!!!

And here is the bruise to prove it!
So here's how it went down today... I got to the doctors office for another ultrasound, to see what effect the Clomid had, and lo and behold- two very mature follicles! That means tonight is going to be the night for the HCG shot to make me ovulate.  I have an appointment for 11:30 on Thursday, which means that I need to get the shot at 11:30 tonight.  Only problem is that now I have to do a practice shot.... So I go into another room with my husband, and the nurse asks who is going to do the shot.  Now my husband was supposed to do it, but, control freak that I am, I suddenly decide that I have to do it myself! Did I mention that needles are my biggest phobia??

So I'm sitting there, and the nurse is walking me through mixing the vials, filling the syringe, getting rid of air bubbles etc. etc. Now if my husband were giving it to me, it would have been in my butt, but since I am doing it, it has to be in my thigh, which for some reason seems a lot scarier than my butt!

Anyway, I'm sitting there, holding the needle above my leg for what seems like FOREVER, telling myself  "you can do it, just stick it in!" only it was much easier said than done, I almost had to have my husband do it! I have no idea how long it took, all I know, is that after an eternity of sitting there with my pants down, staring at this needle hovering over my leg, I suddenly gave myself a countdown "3, 2, 1 GO!". And without thinking about it, shoved the needle all the way into my leg!!  I have to admit, that it was not bad at all, in fact, I hardly even felt it!  Now, I had to pull the plunger back a bit, to check for blood, making sure I had not hit a blood vessel (heaven forbid! I would have had to start all over again!). The nurse gave me the all clear, and I pushed the plunger down and injected the saline solution into my leg!

I immediately pulled it out, and OH MY GOD, I'M BLEEDING!  I mean blood poured out of my leg, a few drops even made it to the floor before I could get paper towels on it!! The nurse said that I must have nicked something on the way in! I don't think that it was the blood, but just the fact that I had stuck a needle in my leg, made me suddenly feel like I was about to pass out! I pulled my pants up, disregarding my bleeding leg, and flopped down on the bed as I felt the blood drain from my face. The nurse was trying to get me to put a band aid on my leg, but I said no, I just wanted to lie down. She gave me a couple of syringes, and a cup for my hubby's "donation" and I was on my way! All I had to do was go and pick up the prescription!

Fast forward to 7:30 pm, 4 hours until the moment of truth! I hope that this goes better the second time around and that I don't pass out on the bathroom floor in a pool of my own blood! ;)

Let the Hormones Begin!

April 14th 2010- 1st day on Clomid!! 

Here we go!!!

Baseline

SO, remember how I signed off on my last entry? Something like "Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who get pregnant after having an HSG"!! Well, that didn't happen- go figure.  After spending the whole day Friday in denial that my period was on it's way despite the many obvious signs (and therefore refusing to call the doctor to schedule my baseline ultrasound like I was supposed to on the first day of my period) it arrived.  In all honesty, it really arrived around midnight, so it was more like Saturday anyway!

So this morning (Monday), I called the doc. to schedule the ultrasound, only to have the nurse call me back telling me that I had to come in today, and if not, by Wednesday, as I had to start Clomid on the 5th day of my cycle. Fast forward two and a half hours, and I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called!

So once again, there I lay staring at a totally blank sonogram screen.  Funny how you always imagine that when you are in this situation, you would be seeing something other than an empty black hole. Oh well, hopefully sometime soon! Needless to say, it was REALLY empty this time! Last time I could see all my follicles, this time, because it was so early in my cycle there was just... well... nothing at all to see! I could almost hear and echo!

So the doctor then proceeds to ask me if we are doing the IUI (intrauterine insemination).  I told him that I thought we had said that we would just try Clomid and timed intercourse.  He suggested that we should go for the IUI, which is actually what I was hoping for.  I just figure that whatever would increase the odds, I would be game for.  So here is the plan...

• On Wednesday, I start taking the Clomid, once a day for 5 days.

• Then on Tuesday next week, I come in for an ultrasound to see what effect the drugs have had. BUT here is what I had NO idea about- My hubby has to come with me, to learn how to give me a shot in the butt!! What??? I had no idea that this required a shot! I guess that when he sees how the follicles are doing, and when he determines that they are ready, I will get a shot to force ovulation, and then come back in about a day and a half later for insemination. 

• My husband then gives another "sample", the doctor examines it, washes it, and then it gets put directly into the uterus, and VOILA!!

So I guess I have two days before I am officially on hormones- crazy thought. I am actually pretty exited to finally be getting the show on the road. Lets just hope the show does not last too long...

Back to Square One

Well, it finally happened.  We officially became a member of the elite group of couples with what I feel is the most frustrating of all infertility diagnoses "UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY".  I guess that it is just my personal opinion that if you know what the problem is, it is easier to fix.  I'm not sure if there is anything more frustrating than sitting in the doctors office as he throws his hands up and says that he has no idea what the problem is...  Well, I guess I should explain how this conclusion was reached...

So I went to get the dreaded HSG on Thursday to check to see if my tubes are open, and I must say that I have not been that nervous in a very long time!  First of all, I had to get more blood drawn the day before to make sure I was not pregnant before the procedure, then I had to get antibiotics to take the day before, the morning of, and the night after, then they tell me to take 800mg of Iboprofin an hour before. Lastly they tell me that I might want to get someone to drive me home afterward because I might be in pain!! What? So much pain that I can't drive?  Of course, I get on the internet, and put in a search for people's experience with HSG's. Lo and behold, my worst fears are confirmed! About 80-90% of the people said that it was one of the most horrific and painful experiences of their lives, one even went so far as to say that it was worse than childbirth!!!!

Needless to say, I was about to have a nervous breakdown.  I recruited my friend to drive me there and back, took my antibiotics and pain meds, and attempted to put on a brave face as I marched into the hospital. I went down to radiology, signed in, and even got a hospital bracelet- Yikes!  In just a couple of minutes, my name was called, I was given hospital gowns to change into, and then the nurse took me into an enormous room, with a big table in the middle and a huge x-ray machine looming over it- reminded me of an operating room in shows like Grey's Anatomy!  I climbed on the table which was pretty high up, lay down, and tried my hardest to relax!  The OB inserted the speculum, cranked it open (sorry for being graphic), did some cervical prodding and poking, then sprayed my cervix with numbing stuff. The poor nurse was standing next to me trying to engage and distract me, without much success! She then inserted the catheter through my cervix- which was pretty unpleasant, although not nearly as bad as I had feared. Once it was in, she took out the speculum, and told me I could put my legs flat and relax-  MUCH better!

Then the moment of truth! The doctor came in, told me that he was going to do the x-rays, he positioned a big monitor so that I could watch, which was pretty cool actually! The OB then injected the iodine, I actually didn't feel a thing! I was expecting excruciating pain! I watched the iodine fill up my uterus, and go into my fallopian tubes and ovaries. I would have to stop breathing every time he snapped the film, and he had me roll left and right several times while he took pictures. I ended up quite light headed, because I would forget to start breathing before he would tell me to stop again!  Anyway, it was pretty cool to watch all of my bones moving around and see my insides in motion!  When it was all done, he came out and told me that everything looks good, and I don't have any blockages.  Sadly enough I was almost hoping that they were blocked, just so that we had an answer!  Anyway, she told me that people often get pregnant after the procedure! Fingers crossed!

I was back changing into my clothes in about 20 minutes, and felt rather like a squid for the next 2 days as the iodine made it's way out of my system!  I called the doctor, and told him that we would try Clomid. The fact that we may be doing months of Clomid, injectibles etc. before trying IVF finally sunk in.  I NEVER thought that this would be our story- I always figured that since the sperm was the problem, and I was fine, we would go straight to ICSI, it would work the first time, and that would be it!  Now it's a whole new ball game. He told me to call on the fist day of my next period, come in for a baseline ultrasound, and then I could start taking the pills! It is actually pretty crazy to think that in a couple weeks I could be on fertility drugs! But hey, maybe I'll be in that lucky statistic of people who get pregnant after doing the HSG!  I'll keep you updated!

Good News Bad News...

Well, Thursday finally came, and we were off to our doctors appointment. Let's just say there's good news and bad news....
The good news is that I am apparently a miracle worker, and cured my husband of his sperm woes!  I guess I should say, that upon hearing that my husbands sperm morphology was 0%, I did a ton of research, bought a bunch of supplements proven effective in various studies, and have basically been treating my husband as a lab rat for the past three months giving him everything from pycnogenol, to selenium, zinc etc.-  no less than 10 pills a day!  I know, I know, sounds crazy, but it seems to have worked! His numbers and morphology are totally normal now, in fact better than normal, and male factor has been taken off the table for our infertility woes.

The bad news is, now we have NO IDEA what the problem is!  The doctor very nicely said that we fall into that very convenient category of "unexplained infertility". Great.  The last step is for me to get a Hysterosalpingography, or HSG for short.  I am not too exited about this, as basically they put a catheter up into my uterus, and fill it with purple dye while x-raying it, in order to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked, or if they can see any other problems.  Now I have read that this can be pretty painful, which makes me even more nervous.

Crazy though it may seem, I almost WANT my tubes to be blocked, because at least we would know what the problem is. It just seems that it has to be so much easier to solve a problem when you actually KNOW what the problem is.  Only thing is, I can't do the test for another 2 weeks, because it has to be done between days 7-10 of your cycle.  Needless to say, this is going to be an agonizing 2 weeks.

Pretty much, the doctor said that assuming the test comes back totally fine, he would recommend 3-4 cycles of clomid, then if that didn't work, move to injectibles , then finally IVF, over a course of 8 months! Now, I don't know if I am going to be able to have the patience to go for 8 months before turning to IVF!  We've already been trying for 2 years!

Perhaps now that I have cured my husband, I should focus on curing myself!

Some things were NOT made for email...

There are some things that you should not get via email- for example- LAB RESULTS! Especially when they are not explained. So I sit here, staring at the screen, thinking that this whole scenario and solution that we have going may just have been thrown out the window- but I'll have to sit here agonizing until our doctors appointment on Thursday when we find out for sure what this all means.

I suppose it's my fault- I signed up with my insurance on line, and they promptly sent me the results for my blood work- well, not the complete results, just the part where they said that it was positive for reubella- thats GERMAN MEASLES people! Now, I'm pretty sure that I don't have german measles, and I also know for a fact that I have had the vaccine. After exploring this on line, I found that it could have been positive because I have the antibodies in my blood from said vaccine, which I guess is a good thing....

SO I then decided that I needed to sign my husband up on line- who knows what test results he may have for my viewing? A few clicks later, he is all signed up, and VOILA! He has test results for the semen analysis! I can hardly contain my excitement, as I am sure that the previous diagnosis will be confirmed- and we will head off on our ICSI adventure.... But wait!! What's this?? It seems that everything is NORMAL? Maybe better than normal?? This can't be! This has to be wrong! How does one do from 0% normal sperm to 40%????  The main reason that this can't be is becuse it could mean that the problem is, well, ME???? On a side note, I must say that the results did not exactly SAY that everything was normal- but that is what I interpreted it to mean after staring at a bunch of numbers.  I have to say I'm pretty bad at math, so maybe this was not wise on my part...

Needless to say, the wait for our appointment on Thursday is more agonizing than ever.  The Kreuger results were not there, so I guess you could only say I only saw half of the results, and who knows? Maybe I just got it all wrong? Now I do feel kind of bad for hoping for a bad result for my husband and his "boys".  I do however feel that it would be a much larger problem if it was me who had the problem, me who could not get pregnant.

So, I will wait till Thursday, and try not to drive myself crazy thinking up a whole new set of worst case scenarios.  I do know that I will not be checking any more lab results on line! Well..... I'll at least THINK about not checking them....

Oh, and sorry for all the caps!

The First Step..

We are finally making progress! We moved back to Cali, got our insurance sorted out, and last week went to our first appointment with a fertility specialist! I do have to say, finding myself at a fertility clinic at 29 is definitely NOT something I would have ever imagined! Anyway...We were asked every personal question in the book about our sex lives, my period etc., and I have determined that the doctor now knows more about our private lives than even our closest confidants!

I got a very thorough exam, including an internal ultrasound.. It was pretty surreal to see the sonogram, with my name on it, and I immediately began imagining some future date when there would be a heart beating on the screen, instead of just an empty uterus. Turns out everything looks good on my end, follicles and all. I was told that I could go and get another test where they put a catheter up my cervix into my uterus, and fill it with purple dye, then x-ray it to see if my follicles are open..... I decided not to do it, as if we are going to do ICSI, it really does not matter if they are open or not! On a side note, my husband was in the room as the doctor had his hand in my crotch, and examined my boobs- when we left and I jokingly asked him if it was weird for him, all he could say was "A WHOOOOLE new level!" Funny how he just got to sit there the whole time while I was poked and prodded, when HE is the one with the problem! But I know this is only the beginning!

My husband was told to go get another semen analysis, and Kreuger analysis (kill the sperm and analyze it), which he did this past Monday- I must say I am really glad that I am not a guy- I am not sure how I would feel about walking in to the lab and handing off a cup of my sperm! We both also got LOTS of blood drawn to check for STD's etc. etc.

We have a doctors appointment next week to go over all the results, and discuss the "next step". I am pretty exited to finally be getting things moving, and am determined to have a positive attitude, and see this as one big adventure! I'll keep you posted!