Inevitable

I have decided that the most difficult days of the month are the last few days before AF is due to arrive. They used to be exiting and hopeful days, but now, they are just downright depressing. I am finding it hard to be optimistic anymore because, let's face it, after over 2 years of getting my hopes up only to be let down EVERY SINGE MONTH, it's kind of hard to think that "this month" will be any different. Instead, the inevitable happens-  my boobs start to get sore, and my BBT plummets... surpirse surprise. I guess AF will be here any time now. Guess I should start thinking about scheduling my baseline ultrasound for our third IUI.

I suppose I was hoping that this month would have been different. Hubby and I have been getting acupuncture for 3 months now. Acupuncture guy said that it takes 3 months to make a new batch of sperm, and that they have doubled patients morphology before.  I guess in my mind I was thinking that after 3 months, hubby's morphology woes would be cured and we'd get pregnant naturally... I guess not.

I want him to get another analysis done now that it has been 3 months, but I pretty nervous about it- what if nothing has changed? What if the past 3 months of pricey acupuncture and herbs have made no difference?  I guess I'll try to be hopeful for this, (what I think will be) our last IUI before resorting to more drastic measures. Hopefully the acupuncture really did make a difference, and our odds will be increased for the IUI this month.

Did I mention the cruel birthday joke I got played on me last month? Well, only a couple of days after my 30th birthday, (yes, the one I had always hoped I'd be pregnant by) I found out two things...
1. That my cousin was pregnant with baby #2.  I was still getting over baby #1 which is only a year old (I had always imagined that I would give my grandmother her first great grandchild, as I am her eldest grandchild). I gathered that they were a bit bummed because they hadn't wanted to be pregnant again so soon- POOR THEM!
2. Only a couple hours after I got this news, as I sat there thinking that it would be a really cruel joke if AF were to arrive... It did... Happy Birthday to me.

Seriously. It's not supposed to be this hard.

Bittersweet

Since we moved back to Cali in November we have been renting. We moved back a bit earlier than anticipated, and our tenants lease was not up until the end of July.

Last week was very bittersweet- we finally got the keys back, and it was like Christmas when the huge moving truck arrived with all of our belongings that we had not seen in 8 months. I literally mean ALL our belongings! We rented a furnished place downtown, so the only things that we did not have in storage were a couple suitcases worth of clothes and personal effects, and that's it!

It was also pretty sad, because when we left for Georgia, we imagined what it would be like when we moved back in with our child we were so certain that we would have.  I remember very distinctly saying "Goodbye house, next time I see you we will have a new addition, or maybe two!"  Sorry house.

I was thinking today of how many times over the years I freaked out when I did not take my birth control on time, or the time in college when a condom broke (my hubby met in college 9 years ago) and I rushed to Planned Parenthood for the morning after pill.  It is just funny to think how petrified I was that I would get pregnant back then, in comparison to now when I am so petrified that I won't. It is just so ironic that you end up devoting your life to achieving the very thing you tried so hard to avoid for so long.