IUI #2 Back in the Stirrups

 At exactly 12:30 this morning, the doctor marched into the room, syringe full of freshly washed sperm in hand and proclaimed "I feel really good about this one!". I couldn't help but wonder how many times a day he makes that proclamation, and how often his premonitions are correct.

I guess that it was easier this time around, knowing what to expect. I knew I was not going to have any kooky side effects from the Clomid, and I felt much better about giving myself the trigger shot (don't get me wrong, I am absolutely positive that sticking a needle in my leg will always be totally nerve wracking). Since my appointment was at noon, I had to give myself the shot at midnight. It was not a big production like the last time. I did it on my own, in the bathroom, while my husband slept, and then quietly slipped back into bed once it was over.

There is only one problem- my brain. Everyone says, that the mind is a powerful thing, and that I should think positively, it's just that I don't seem to be able to.  I just can't help being pessimistic about this whole IUI thing. I mean, I can see it helping if the "boys" had a hard time swimming, but since they are supposedly perfect in that respect, then whats the point? How is this really helping?  I guess I am still stuck on the whole IVF with ICSI scenario that we were convinced was our only option all those months ago, and just can't help but feeling that that is the only thing that is going to work, and that these doctors are just missing something. I'm trying really hard to be positive and tell myself "It's gonna work, it's gonna work", but the only thing that keeps coming out is "It's NOT going to work".

 On the other hand..... I was watching "Giuliana and Bill" yesterday, when they went to talk to an IVF specialist. I always knew that IVF was much more involved with shots and doctors appointments etc. But I never realized just HOW involved it was. I guess that I figured that the shots would be on the same schedule as the Clomid, once a day for 5 days, then harvest etc. I had no idea that it was 2-3 shots a day for 2 WEEKS!!! I can't even imagine. My leg is sore from just the one shot! And possibly having to go in for ultrasounds every day??? And worst of all, and I mean absolutely WORST of all, needing to have an IV in when it comes time to harvest the eggs.  Have I mentioned that IV's are my biggest nightmare? In fact, when it comes to having a baby, it's not labor that scares me, it's the IV.  And then, what if, after all the shots, all the doctors appointments, the IV, the stress, and not to mention the bill, it doesn't work???

I suppose it's no use worrying about that now, since we have not gotten to that point yet. My mother is coming to visit for a month on Tuesday, so that will help keep me occupied for the dreaded two week wait...

Not this Year

For the past three years as Mothers Day approaches, I have been optimistic that I will be able to celebrate as a  "mother to be", and imagine the next year, celebrating with my baby.  It seems each year I find out only a few days before Mothers Day, that it is in fact, not my year.

I guess it goes without say that I am not pregnant.  Only two days before Mothers Day I got my period. I knew it was coming from yesterday when I started having some cramps, but despite vowing to not take a pregnancy test until I was at least a day late (I have taken SO many pregnancy tests in the past, that I can't bear to see another negative result), I took one anyway, only to see.... yes, another negative result. This simple image of a single pink line, is in fact the thing I dread most in the world. Who would have thought that one pink line would be the image that I have nightmares about.

So I guess we are back to the drawing board. I need to call the doc. when the office opens in a few hours to schedule an appointment, and start the process all over again.  I am still feeling unsettled about my hubby's test results. It does not sit well with me that one place could say he has 0% normal sperm, while another says he's completely normal.  I am thinking that now more than ever I would like a third opinion, especially before we resort to more drastic measures. Oh well, happy someday Mothers Day to me! Hopefully next year I will be celebrating, either with a big belly, or with my own little bundle of joy!