Walk of Shame

On Thursday I had an appointment with my OB.  Everything went well, but on my way out I couldn't shake the feeling that something was... well... not quite right. It wasn't until I was about halfway home that I realized what it was...
No underwear.
I had forgotten my underwear in the doctors office!!

I mean seriously, of all the times for pregnancy brain to strike! I was so embarrassed, I called my husband and told him what I had done. His response was to laugh so hysterically that I thought he might be crying! So much for sympathy! Then he asked if I was going to go back for them! Really?? As if I'm going to drive back there (mind you someone else is probably in the room by now) and be like "Hi, I think I forgot my underwear... Do you have a lost and found". Hell no.

My only hope is that they fell behind a chair or somewhere inconspicuous so that by the time they found them they wouldn't know whose they were!

Anyway the good news is that the twins are looking great. I actually had to go in to the hospital for another hour long anatomy scan on Saturday to make sure that both twins were developing at the same pace. They are, and right now that's all that matters :)

Pictures and Stats

My parents are still here visiting (well, my step dad left, but my mom extended her stay until next week), so I've had no time to be on here at all! Even now we're about to head out, so here is an update in pics and stats!

                                                                     21 weeks

                                                                   

22 weeks

THE BELLY

New favorite dress! Having a REALLY hard time wearing pants, even maternity ones

Pre- pregnancy ribcage - 29 inches

Current- 32 inches

Pre- pregnancy fullest part of boobs- 32.5 inches

Current- 36 inches :) :)

Pre- pregnancy waist/ belly- 27 inches

Current- 41 inches!!!

Pre pregnancy weight- 127 lbs

Current- 150 lbs- right on track with the lower range for what I should have gained by this point with twins.

21 weeks

So, I was too lazy to upload a picture this week, so instead, I thought I'd post one of how I feel- in a word, HUGE!

How far along: 21 weeks, 3 days

Symptoms:  Fatigued, sore boobs, short of breath, racing heart, zero appetite, heartburn, constant peeing, can't sleep.

Baby Related Purchases:  We now have 2 cribs in a painted room!!! Complete with bedding that my MIL made for us, and a dresser.

Maternity Clothes:  Entirely!! I have gotten way too huge to even imagine being able to fit into my regular clothes. I have noticed however, that although I love my full panel pants, they make my belly itch like CRAZY! I mean, I literally can't go more than about 15 seconds (even that's pushing it) without clawing at my belly when I wear them.

Sleep:  Ever so slightly better, I'm still up about 3 times a night to pee, and rolling from side to side hurts my belly, so it must be done with extreme care!

Best Moment of the Week:  Seeing my doctor a week after the anatomy scan, having her go through the results with me, and being assured that everything looks perfect and on track :) Of course seeing my babies at the appointment was amazing as always! Also found out  that I'm already measuring 4 weeks ahead of where I am!

Strangest Moment: I know I said it in my last post, but it's still so strange and surreal to me to see our former guest room as a nursery. We are getting the bedding piece by piece in the mail as my MIL makes it, so every few days the room looks a little different as the cribs look more and more "finished".

Movement: Lots!

Cravings: nada

Gender: boy and girl

Belly Button: Flat! It's actually been pretty flat for almost two weeks, although now it seems to be making it's way out!

What I miss: Sleep, energy, a love for food.

What I am looking forward to: My parent's are coming to visit for a week and get in today!

20 Weeks (and out of order posting)

I'm going a little out of order with my posting here. I posted about my 19 week anatomy scan last Monday, but now I'm going to go backwards to the Sunday before, and then I'll end up with present day :)

Well, it was our 7 year anniversary on the 17th- I still can't believe that we've been married for that long! What did we do? Well, funnily enough, we spent pretty much the whole day at Babies R Us registering! It was such a surreal experience, walking around with the scanner among all the other pregnant women, and shopping for baby stuff for ME- not for someone else's baby shower.

I have to say, I'm really glad that we did it that weekend, because as exciting as it was, and as much as I have always dreamed of the day that I would be registering for baby stuff,  it was physically really uncomfortable.  I was light headed, short of breath, and my back was killing me the whole time! This meant lots of trips to "try out" all the rocker/gliders!  Now that I've seen everything in the store, I'm pretty sure I can finish up registering for whatever I forgot on line. That sounds a lot more fun to me at this point than walking around a store for hours!

I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to start getting things done a little earlier than I had planned if I actually want to enjoy the process. I initially wanted to wait till at least viability at 25 weeks, BUT my doctor said that once I hit 20 weeks (which I am now) I'm suddenly going to start getting huge! I already feel huge, and have noticed that with twins, I have already passed most of  my pregnant peers in size- even some of those a lot farther along than me! People, I have gained 20 lbs!! It seems like it's all belly and boobs though. As huge of a number as it seems to me, I guess I'm at the bottom of the weight gain range that I'm supposed to be in at 20 weeks with twins (which is 20-30lbs)!

Another exiting happening- I'm lucky enough that my MIL is custom making all the crib bedding out of fabric that we chose.  But, seeing as the cribs we chose are a little smaller than standard size- thus being different from standard size patterns (oh, and the cribs not being in stores to go look at and measure)- to see if the stuff would fit, and to get more precise measurements, we had to get the cribs and mattresses! I supposed we only needed to get one crib to measure, but then why not just go ahead and get them both?? They arrived last week, but once assembled, they can't fit through doors, therefore they needed to go in the nursery..... but they would be cumbersome to paint around when the time came....so we had to paint!  So, what I'm trying to say, is that at 20 weeks and two days, we have a painted nursery, complete with 2 cribs! One word- SURREAL. I keep standing in the doorway just staring in at the room trying to convince myself that this is really happening!
                                      
20wks 2d- Yes, I am intentionally wearing the same thing in all the pics :)

19 week anatomy scan

Yesterday was our 19 week anatomy u/s.  It was exiting but kind of disappointing at the same time. Exciting because I got to stare at my babies for an hour and fifteen minutes straight, and see that they are doing great. Disappointing because I think that I had really high expectations about what I though the whole experience would be like, which it turned out to be very far from reality.

I had to go into the hospital for this u/s, and a guy who looked like Jesse Ventura came out to get me and told me that he would be doing the ultrasound. Up until now, I've had ultrasounds done by three people- my IF doctor, an u/s tech for my 12 week nuchal tube screening, and my current OB. They are all always very informative and descriptive about what they are looking at, and seem to share my excitement. I was excited about this u/s because I knew it was very detailed, and was expecting it to be very informative.

NOPE! Yesterday, the guy and I would have literally sat there for the entire 75 minutes in dead silence if I had not periodically asked him a question. Even then I would just get a one or two word answer.  Once in a while he would point out something obvious, like "there's a hand" or "there's the face", but that was about the extent of the voluntary info. Luckily he was labeling everything he saw on the screen, so I could figure out what he was seeing and measuring on my own. On top of it all, he would express his frustration at the babies for moving around and not cooperating with him at times! I was thinking "Hey, you're not allowed to be pissed off at my babies, they're supposed to move!"

As far as gender goes, there was, as always, one very clear boy.  I told him that I found out that it was one of each at the 12 week NT scan, but was afraid to believe it because it was so early. He was like "Yup, there can always be mistakes". Gee, thanks.  The girl, as always, was not as much of an exhibitionist as the boy, and was harder to see. This was only the second u/s that she's actually showed her goods (very briefly) vs. the fourth for the boy, who was flashing us the whole time! He did say it looked like a girl, but then was also sure to point out that just because he couldn't see a penis doesn't mean that there wasn't one there. Again, gee thanks! So.. I'm still not 100% convinced.

My husband who has been to every single doctors appointment with me since the BFP, which makes 7 so far, could not come yesterday.  He found out late Friday evening that there was just no getting out of work. I tried to reschedule, but there were no appointments till June which, obviously wouldn't work.  In retrospect, he HAS been there for 7 ultrasounds already, and the fact that it was neither an amazing nor informative appointment made me feel not so bad about him missing it. I also have another appointment with the OB next week, so he can see them again then. Oh, also, I was flat on my back for 75 mins. straight, which was exceedingly uncomfortable and a bit painful. It also made it pretty difficult to breathe. I asked Mr. Cheerful if I could bend one of my knees and he replied "If you must"....

BUT, like I said in the beginning, I was SO very exited to see my babies.  And, I did ask him in the end if everything looks normal, to which he replied "Yup, everything looks normal". So I was happy to hear that too. And here they are...

18 weeks

How far along: 18.5 weeks

Symptoms: Fatigued, sore boobs, short of breath, racing heart, loss of appetite for anything in my kitchen, heartburn, constant peeing, can't sleep.

Baby Related Purchases: A couple nursery items- Oh, and my sister-in-law just sent us a 50lb box of baby clothes size 0-3 months!! Most of them brand new!

Maternity Clothes: Yup! Thinking I might need to go up a size in the maternity jeans soon though!

Sleep: Nope, usually up every hour ALL night, then can't go back to sleep

Best Moment of the Week: 3 moments! One was getting the box of clothes in the mail and seeing what the house would look like covered in baby stuff. Two- I've been feeling lots of movement, but only from the inside. But, yesterday, one of them was kicking (or punching or headbanging) up a storm, and when I put my hand on my belly, I could actually feel it on the outside! Unfortunately my husband got home about 5 minutes too late to feel it.  The third was seeing the twins at the doctors appt. last week- already beating each other up! Uh oh

Strangest Moment: Talking to my friend about my baby shower which I guess for people having twins is usually at about 26-28 weeks that's in like 6-8 weeks!! Holy cow!

Movement: Yup!

Cravings: nada

Gender: boy and girl

Belly Button: In

What I miss: Sleep, energy, a love for food.

What I am looking forward to: 20 week anatomy scan (well, actually 19 weeks) on Monday :)

  18 wks 2 days

POP

What a difference two weeks makes!  People I don't know are now commenting on my belly.  It was quite surprising how fast it happened too- I saw my neighbor on Friday, and she was surprised that I was barely showing at all, then I saw her yesterday, and she was all "Oh my gosh!! Where did that come from??" Love it, so glad to be past that awkward phase where people can't tell if you're pregnant or if you've just been pigging out a little too much! People, my belly is actually starting to get in the way! I went to the grocery store, and every couple minutes I'd look down to see that my belly was all dirty from rubbing on the produce bins when I bent over! Nothing like a pregnant lady wearing black with a belly covered in kiwi fuzz!
                                                                         16 weeks

                                                                          14 weeks

16 weeks

How far along: 16 weeks

Symptoms: Fatigued, sore boobs, short of breath, racing heart, loss of appetite for anything in my kitchen- force feeding myself, heartburn, constant peeing!

Baby Related Purchases: One piece of art for the nursery :) My mother has been sending me several things in the mail like blankets, and onsies though!

Maternity Clothes: Finally bought a pair of maternity jeans since the bella band just isn't cutting it anymore. WOW, so comfy I might never go back!

Sleep: Nope, up about 4 times a night, usually to pee, then can't go back to sleep.

Best Moment of the Week: Think we finally picked out the color of the nursery. Pretty tough stuff with a boy and a girl!

Strangest Moment: Having to get a doctors note to see the dentist.

Movement: I think so?

Cravings: Yogurt, gyros, and anything that I don't have to make.

Gender: boy and girl

Belly Button: In

What I miss: Sleep, energy

What I am looking forward to: 17.5 week ultrasound on 4/6
                                               
                                                             old pic from 14 weeks!

 

BLAH

I have seriously been working on this post for almost a week now. For some reason I can only seem to get out a few lines at a time before losing motivation! I keep having to change all the dates as the days have gone by...

Anyway.....I'm now 14 weeks- shouldn't I be starting to feel better? Sure I haven't thrown up or had your typical "morning sickness", but I have seriously felt like absolute crap every single day thus far.  I feel extremely weak all the time, just standing up or walking up the stairs sends my heart racing and I feel like I could collapse.  I also feel as though I am now living atop Mt. Everest because it feels as if there is not enough oxygen in the air, so I feel as if I am slowly suffocating.  Don't even get me started about the headaches!! EVERY DAY last week.  The doctor told me at my last visit that I am anemic, which would explain a lot of this.  I have been taking extra iron supplements, but according to my blood work on Wednesday I still am.  I did buy some new iron supplements that are a much higher dose, but so far I feel no different.

 My appetite is still also not back- let me rephrase- I am totally hungry, I still just don't want to eat.  Or at least, I just don't want to eat anything in my house, or anything really healthy which still baffles me since I've always been so health conscious.  At this point I'm pretty much forcing the food down. I also feel as though I'm not gaining enough weight. What I didn't realize, is apparently the rules are totally different with twins. With one baby you can gain anywhere from 20-70 lbs and still have a 7lb baby.  With twins, I need to gain between 40-50 lbs, and by 28 weeks I am supposed to have gained like 30 lbs.  Supposedly it is very crucial with twins to gain the weight early on, with 28 weeks being the deadline. I guess it was previously a common notion that with twins you just gain an extra 10lbs- but apparently after many studies they have found that this is totally not the case.  SO now for the first time in my life I actually want to gain weight, but for the first time in my life food (my food) isn't appetizing- how ironic.

Speaking of food- I woke up last week in the middle of the night hungry, and decided to go downstairs and get some food. I totally slipped and fell down like 3 stairs and landed SO hard on my butt!  I still have a big black bruise.  I was totally convinced for days that I had somehow hurt or dislodged my babies- in fact, I'm still not totally convinced that I didn't do some damage- good thing I have a doctors appointment this week!

On to happier things... It is still sinking in that we're having a boy and a girl! To be honest, I still have some doubts, despite how positive the doctor was at the NT scan. I just feel as if 12 weeks is SO early!  BUT, as of right now, I'm choosing to believe, and we've been talking about bedroom logistics and other such fun stuff! It's hard to believe that in a couple weeks I'll be 4 whole months!! Yikes!

It's a........

On Wednesday we went for our NT scan.  Now, this wasn't so much because we were worried that something was wrong, it was more because I knew that it was a detailed hour long ultrasound, and well, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to stare at my babies for an hour.

We were the first appointment of the day, so got in pretty quickly which was awesome since I was told to drink so much water beforehand! We went into the room and were taken by surprise when the lady doing the ultrasound asked us if we wanted to know the gender if she could see it!! Seriously?? At 12 weeks and 2 days???  We both said definitely, and away we went!

It was, as always, pretty impressive how big they had gotten. She pretty much did an inventory of each one- arms, legs, hands, feet, stomach etc. etc.  We got to see the umbilical cords with the blood going in (red) and out (blue) which was pretty amazing.  Suddenly, out of the blue, she says "Well, this one is a little girl!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then she moves on to twin B, same rundown, and then suddenly about 10 minutes later- "This one is a little boy!" Shock, complete shock, a girl and a boy! It was actually pretty funny, because for the rest of the appointment, all my husband could say (and DID say about once every 15 seconds) was "Wow, a girl and a boy!"  We're both SO exited.  It's a little crazy that we know the genders only 2 days out of the first trimester.  It's going to be pretty hard to not start buying stuff! 

Anyway, that's all for now. My dad is here visiting and we've been busy literally every second of every day, I've barely been on here at all! I'll leave you with a few pics- we got like 12, so I'll just post my faves. I also think I'll leave out the ones showing the genitals, probably too early to start embarrassing them!

TWIN A (little girl)

TWIN B (little boy) not sure why I can't get it turned the right way!

HAND

FOOT

11 wks 2 days

 The past two weeks seems to have flown by, and yesterday we had our 11w2d appointment.  LOVE our new doctor! She spent about an hour with us, just talking with us about everything we might expect with twins, answering our questions, going over lab results etc. etc.  She is seriously the nicest doctor I have ever had. OH, I also had my very first abdominal ultrasound! Bye bye dildo cam! The twins have grown so much, arms and legs flying, and they were literally kicking off the walls and bouncing from one side to the other- crazy!  She told my husband to turn on the video on his phone so he could record it, if we had known we would have bought a real camera!

And here they are... First, baby A with a fist up by the face either waving or saying "No pictures please"!

And, both of them together- Baby B on the left is lying on his back, top of head to camera and LONG legs in the air- love the little feet! Baby A is not in focus.

This is the first decent one of them together, granted A is not in focus, but still!  She says they look great, and are totally separate from each other which is a really good sign. One is higher up in my uterus, and one is further down (although in this pic they look right next to each other)  She says I am a bit anemic already so she wants me to start taking extra iron supplements, also extra calcium. Previously I had only been told to take extra folic acid- 1400mcg. 

Last week I went in to get blood work done, and they seriously took like 7 vials! Today the doctor told me she was scheduling me for even more, to test things like liver and kidney function, as well as a glucose tolerance test- yikes!

Next up, NT scan next week- this makes 5 ultrasounds in 7 weeks! Can't wait to see my babies again! I'll post some belly pics soon- I've been taking them every week in the same place in the same outfit.  Unfortunately you can't see much of a difference between the weeks just yet...

9 Weeks

Finally! Our nine week ultrasound. 75 degrees and sunny, and Hubs decided to work from home so that he wouldn't be rushing to and from work all day.

I have to admit, it was slightly surreal sitting in the "normal" OB's office, surrounded by pregnant couples and kids. A stark difference from the quiet and sullen mood of the infertility clinic surrounded by other infertile and childless couples.  The OB office seems like such a strange world to me, I feel like I have abandoned my home at the infertility clinic, and the other couples that I had a kinship with, for a world of pregnant people where I still feel like I don't quite fit in.

 We met with a NP who told us that for the rest of the pregnancy we would be seen by a doctor, as NP's don't deal with twins.  We did the ultrasound, and my, how they have grown!  I have to admit, the ultrasound machine was pretty crappy, and the pictures are terrible. There is only one decent one of Twin A (of course), and even that is pretty much just an outline.  I sent it to my mom and she said  "Wow, that's a really bad picture".  Oh well.

All in all the appointment went pretty well, UNTIL, my husband asked her something about her opinion on waiting till after the first trimester to tell people (he's having a hard time not telling the world), and the nurse replied that she would wait. Then she said that most miscarriages happen between week 9 and 12.  I mean seriously, that is NOT something you want to be telling someone like me!  Just as I was starting to feel confident in this pregnancy at nine weeks!

We scheduled a nuchal screening for next week- primarily because it lets me get another ultrasound in- a high tech one at that, and I'll gladly take any chance to see my babies that I can get!

Jumping the gun and baby brain

Last week I woke up, and found my husband crib shopping online.  I don't mean getting ideas for cribs, I literally mean, he wanted to go out and buy cribs last week, at barely 7 1/2 weeks.  My mother has also told me that she now has no life, because she is spending every waking moment looking up baby/twin stuff.  This makes me a little bit freaked out.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they're so optimistic, but I'm I'm still scared.  I just feel like it's still so early, definitely too early to be crib shopping.  Some days I still can't believe that it is all happening, and find myself freaking out on a regular basis about things that could go wrong, like disappearing twin syndrome. Then I read books about symptoms I should have by now at 8 weeks, like darkening nipples, weight gain,  pants getting tight etc. especially with twins, and I am not having any of these. Yes, I know some people have few to no symptoms, but it still worries me.

I actually got into a mini argument with my hubby a few days after the crib incident when I found him mapping out and measuring the babies room.  I told him that I thought he was jumping the gun, and that we should not be doing any of these things yet,  but then instantly felt really selfish for trying to put a damper on his excitement.  It makes me so happy to see how exited he is, and perhaps I am scared partly because it would break my heart to see his heart break if anything were to go wrong.  Maybe I'm also just jealous of his optimism.

On a lighter note, I had a MAJOR case of baby brain! So I somehow got it into my head that my appointment with the new OB was this week Monday.  Mind you, I have had two appointment notices sitting on the table for exactly two weeks saying February 7th in big bold letters, and look at them at least once a day!  Lucky for me I happened to be online looking at some of my past doctors visit info on Monday morning, mere hours before the supposed appointment, when I clicked on the link for "upcoming appointments" and noticed the date! Of course I had to call my husband and tell him that I had the wrong week, and not to show up at the doc's office! Then I had to explain the situation to my parents and in-laws when they called asking how it went... how embarrassing! I suppose it could have been worse though- we could actually have showed up and had them tell us "Um, I think you have the wrong week.." Oh, also,  I was at the supermarket and when it was time to enter my preferred number (my phone number I've had for 6 years), as I do at least twice a week,  it totally took me about 10 seconds to think of it.. I actually started punching in 1-800!

Oh well, the good news is that we're almost half way through the week already! By next Monday, our real appointment day, I will be 9 weeks! Two thirds of the way done with the first trimester!

7 Weeks

Introducing,.....
"Twin A" who seems to be the outgoing one, always eager to pose for the camera- It seriously looks like two eyes facing front, and the arms are folded - kind of like a baby genie! Ok ok, I know there are no arms yet, only arm buds, but that's what it looks like to me!

And....
"Twin B"- they shy one, always evading the camera- we have not seen a really clear image of him/her yet. It seems the yolk sac makes a bigger appearance in this picture than B does!  Since they are not identical, and therefore not in the same spot, apparently this one is further away and that's what makes it difficult, but we did see the heartbeat and I guess that's what's important right now!

Here they are together... I couldn't decide whether to post this one or not, because they were REALLY uncooperative with being photographed together... It took forever just to get them in the same shot- forget about being in focus! I think you see more of the yolk sacs than either of them here... but here they are anyway, both measuring in at exactly 7 weeks.

There you have it! I have my first appointment with a regular OB next Monday- crazy! A doctor for "normal" pregnant people! No more fertility clinic!  This will make 3 appointments and 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks. This is just perfect for me seeing as I am a natural worrier, I kind of need the constant reassurance!  Seriously, I grope my boobs about 10 times a day, just to make sure they are still sore, and freak out if the sensitivity lessens.  I'm counting down the days until the first trimester is over so that I can breathe a LITTLE easier!

Walking Contradiction

This week is going by surprisingly quickly which is great, because it means only three days until my second ultrasound.  I cannot wait to finally have some pictures! The whole twin thing is so very exiting, but kind of overwhelming at the same time when I try to imagine how I am going to manage two screaming babies at the same time in the middle of the night, or, how does one leave the house by oneself with two babies? Not to mention needing two of everything. I think we need a bigger house! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely wouldn't change a thing, and am incredibly grateful- I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing!

As for symptoms...
I swear every hour or so I'm struck by the most voracious hunger- like I haven't eaten in a month.  I'll be fine one minute, and the next I literally feel ill because I'm SO hungry.  Just today I was on my way home, and planned to stop at the grocery store right by my house to pick up just one thing, and almost didn't because I literally thought I might keel over if I didn't eat something that very second.  The kicker is, despite being so hungry all the time, I have to force myself to eat because nothing seems appetizing. Don't get me wrong, I CAN stomach anything without feeling the need to puke, I just don't want to.  Weird, I know- starving, but no appetite. I can't explain it.  This is especially the case with my own cooking.  I find it easier to eat things that have not come out of my kitchen, which is weird because normally I love to cook.

The other weird thing is, I am tired during the day, but I seriously cannot sleep at night.  This has been the case since a couple of days before I even found out I was pregnant.  I am literally up at least 3 times a night. Sometimes because I have to pee, but others, who knows. Then it takes me forever to fall back asleep, only to be up again in a couple hours.  I mean I've heard of this happening late in pregnancy, but at barely 7 weeks?  Oh, the best is when I wake up and then get the incredible hunger, so I have to stumble down to the kitchen at two in the morning to get some food if I'm to have any hope of going back to sleep.

So there you have it. Hungry but no appetite, and tired but can't sleep.  I feel like a walking contradiction!

Could you repeat that?

So up until this point, I have had no nausea whatsoever. However this morning, as we sat in the doctors office waiting for almost an hour to be seen (guess there was some issue with rebooting the ultrasound machine), I seriously thought I might throw up all over the waiting room because I was so nervous.  All those negative thoughts that I had tried so hard to push out of my head started flooding back- what if there is nothing there? what if there is no heartbeat?

Anyway, FINALLY it was our turn. We went in, got situated, the doc came in and finally the moment of truth... He started up the ultrasound, and the first thing he said was "Well, the pregnancies are in the right spot..." at which point my husband interrupted him and said "Excuse me? Did you just say pregnancIES?"  The doctor chuckled and said "You caught that did you? Yup, looks like there are two!" He then proceeded to measure each, and sure enough, there was a tiny flutter of a heartbeat in each one!

Holy crap!!!! TWINS!!! I don't even know what I was feeling, I was just in complete shock. Shock that there was actually something in there after all, and shock that there were TWO somethings in there!  As we walked out of the exam room, all the nurses congratulated us, and as we walked into the waiting room, a lady who was waiting to be seen got up and hugged us both and congratulated us.

We have another appointment next week Monday, and the doctor said he would give us some good pictures then, because at only 6 weeks and 1 day you really could barely make out anything at all. As I walked out with our fun little pregnancy packet, it finally hit me - We're pregnant! With TWINS!!!  Someone pinch me!

Drumroll...

So... HCG #3 this morning.  I must have checked my email for the results about a hundred times between 7:30 and 9:00 when they finally showed up. The results? 2016!!! Thats more than triple what it was on Tuesday!  Holy cow!  I called the nurse to see what I was supposed to do next, expecting to be told that I had to wait until week 7-8  for an ultrasound, which would have meant an excruciating two to three weeks. What did she say? The 17th! Six weeks! That's only 10 days from now!

Of course that means 10 days without any form of reassurance. I'll gladly take some symptoms as my reassurance, some nausea and vomiting sounds amazing.  So far my only symptoms are a stuffy nose + draining sinuses for the past 2 weeks, lots of peeing, and sore boobs- but hey, they've pretty much been sore for the past month with all the drugs anyway, so it's not a very novel symptom. I'm sure I'll eat my words eventually, but couldn't I have a little nausea please?

Has it sunk in yet? Not at all. I'm really trying, but it just doesn't seem real.  I'm beginning to think that it won't sink in until the ultrasound.  Until then, all I need to do is not drive myself insane!

So Far So Good...

It STILL has not hit me yet. Maybe that's a good thing because it's still so early and I know that anything can happen.  I got some reassurance yesterday when I finally got to call the doctors office, and the nurse told me that 257 was a very healthy number and not at all too high- PHEW!  She told me to go in for another HCG test today, which was a big bummer because I REALLY wanted to go in yesterday.  She told me that she was hoping to see 500. Well, just got the results back.... 589!!!

So.... I feel better.... for now.  

I have to go in for another HCG test on Friday, and  I have a feeling it might be the last one.  I might just go into a panic at not having that constant reassurance every 72 hours. 

1/1/11 Am I Dreaming??

This morning I woke up, not happy at all about the new year.  Hubs and I got into a silly fight last night, and rang in the new year on less than ideal terms.  Not to mention, I have been having horrendous cold/allergy symptoms for the past week, and now my abdomen is actually sore from coughing so much.

I was due for my HCG test this morning, and could not decide whether I should go to a different lab than normal (as it's a holiday, and mine's closed), or just wait until Monday and go to mine.  I was pretty certain that the test would be negative, and I thought that it would just be an unbelievably bad way to start the new year.  I got dressed around 8, then sat on the couch until about 11 when I finally figured I should just get it over with.

With Kaiser you can check your test results on line, so after the blood test I went back home, lay on the couch, and every half an hour or so, checked my email.  Eventually, about two hours later, I got the email "You have new test results".  I logged into my account, tentatively found the test, clicked on it for the results, and quickly closed my eyes.  PLEEASE, I thought, just let it be over 25.  I slowly opened my eyes, and what did I see?  257!!!!!!  Holy crap!! I'm.............. pregnant!!! I immediately freaked out, then started to panic that the number was too high, and that it could be ectopic or something, but after scouring the internet, found many other women who had really high HCG levels early on and it was fine.

Of course I ran out and bought a pregnancy test, just so that I could see it with my own eyes.  Got home, POAS, and lo and behold, a second line!!!!! Silly as it may sound, that was actually more realistic to me than the blood test. To be honest, it really hasn't sunk in yet.  It will be Monday before I hear from my doctor, and I am very cautiously optimistic.  The number being so high does concern me a tiny bit, but it's just hard to accept that it is real. Hubs is out golfing, so I'm holding off telling him until he gets home.

For now at least..... I"M PREGNANT!!!!

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is to be able to hang one of these on my tree.... This is the third Christmas that I have said this... I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

Well, 5 doctor appointments, 3 blood tests, 9 shots to the belly (and one to the thigh) later, I have officially survived my first round of injectables! We did the IUI on Saturday, and could you guess?  My blood pregnancy test is scheduled for January 1st. So either we ring in the new year with the best news possible or the worst.

We did Christmas a bit early this year because my MIL and SIL were here visiting for a week. This coincided precisely with when I had to begin the injectables. The first night was a disaster, I didn't screw the needle on properly, and as I injected the solution ended up all over the floor, and I had no idea how much I got in.  I called the nurse panicked the next morning, and she had me do a half a dose right then, and then back to normal that evening.  I must say that it never really got any easier to inject myself, I would prepare everything and then just stand there for an eternity with the needle an inch from my abdomen telling myself "Just do it already, it's not that bad, just get it over with" while my hand refused to budge.  

It simply seems that Christmas this year has been totally consumed with infertility treatments and reminders.  While opening Christmas presents, we got a call reminding me of an upcoming doctors appointment.  On the way to see a Christmas production of "The Grinch" I got another phone call to remind me of an appointment.  Before we went out at night I had to take my shot, and if we were already out for the day, we had to be home in time for me to do my shot.  Not to mention having to leave the family for doctors appointments every couple of days, or the fact that my arm looked like I could have been a heroin addict from the bruises as a result of the constant blood tests.

Now the family is gone, and it's the first Christmas in 8 years that my husband and I will be spending on our own, dreaming of the day when we can hang that long awaited ornament on the tree, or hang that third stocking.

Tomorrow I go for a progesterone test, and  I also start progesterone suppositories, which is a first for me.  From what I hear, they are pretty awful (although I can't quite imagine anything being as awful as the shots, so I'm not too worried!). After that, just the preg. test on the 1st.

All we can do is  hope for a Christmas miracle!!

Suspicious Activity

So, something happened today that would have been pretty funny had it not been so embarrassing..... My credit card was declined.  Why? because apparently spending $800 dollars in a matter of hours on a doctors appointment and fertility meds is not normal, so they red flagged my account for suspicious transactions!!

There I am at the pharmacy, boxes of Menopur, syringes, and other such goodies stacked on the counter in front of me, and my card is being declined! So, they have me stand there and call the bank to figure out the problem. Ten minutes later, I'm talking to the lady at the bank verifying each every transaction that has taken place over the past week, while the line of impatient people behind me gets longer and longer!  Anyway, eventually it was all figured out, and I took my extremely large bag of drugs and headed out of there as quickly as possible!

So... as I'm sure you've guessed, it's finally time for the injectables.  I start them next Wednesday, and if all goes well, the IUI will be scheduled for a couple days before Christmas.  I mean, how else could I possibly want to spend the holidays?  I did the practice shot at the doctor's office, and I must say, that compared to the HCG shot, it was a piece of cake! I can't even describe how happy I am that the needle is so tiny, I mean, I seriously doubt that I could make myself jab that HCG needle into my body every day!

So.... here goes nothing!

Downregulation

Birth Control Pills????? Wait a minute, doesn't that PREVENT you from getting pregnant? Of all the things I was expecting to hear, the fact that I need to take birth control pills for a month was certainly not on the list!

Well, yesterday DH and I attended the infamous "Injectables Class" that we had to attend before starting Menopur.  Four infertile couples, sitting in a room, learning all about the risks and benefits of Menopur, playing with syringes (although luckily no practice shots were done... yet). Then the nurse dropped the bomb. We are the only couple who needed to do "downregulation", meaning that next month, I'll need to go on the pill to get my ovaries to "settle down" as the nurse put it. I guess this is a good thing, because when I start doing the shots, the follicles will all grow at the same rate instead of there already being a lead follicle.  

A good thing, yes, but also frustrating, because it means another month of doing nothing. This will make three months of doing nothing- first because I was "accidentally" told to take clomid, then because I wasn't scheduled for the class on time, and now because I need to be on the pill for a month.  Now seriously, surely I could have taken the pill this month without going to the class first! 

I guess this means that the Menopur cycle will take place in December- What a way to spend Christmas! It will also be exactly one year since we started treatment, and almost 3 years since we started TTC!

Seriously?

Yes, I am trying to say that I want to rip my hair out right about now!  Over the past month, nothing seems to be working out the way that it should. It's just been one setback after another. Allow me to start from the beginning.....

So DH got his semen analysis done again (after a series of previous conflicting results from different places, i.e, 0% morphology, then totally normal morphology). This time he got them both done in the same week to have as little variation as possible.  SO first he got his Kaiser results back- everything looks AMAZING, totally normal, better than last time. Hmmmm, well, they did say that it was normal last time to so... Then we got the results back from the other place (who told us it was 5% normal morphology last time) and this it was 3%!!! Yes, WORSE than last time, and definitely not normal. 

Now I am confused.  So far we have had 2 different places tell us that his morphology sucks, and Kaiser who keeps telling us that it's normal. Who are we supposed to believe? Do we go to a fourth place?? I am also royally pissed off because DH has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on acupuncture and herbs for the past 3 months that were supposed to be helping. Acupuncture guy said that it was the first time he had ever seen someone's results get worse instead of better. Great. Needless to say DH won't be doing any more acupuncture.

Next problem... Last month I saw a different doctor for my baseline ultrasound because mine was booked.  She told me to go ahead and start doing Clomid again. I did. Fast forward a week, and I'm back in the doctors office for another ultrasound. MY doctor walks in, and proceeds to tell me that he does not want me to do clomid anymore because it's obviously not working. He want's me to start injectables. He talks for about 20 minutes about our new plan of action, before he realizes that I have already done clomid this month! He pretty much says that we should not bother with the IUI, gives me the trigger shot right there in the office, and sends me home to get busy. I mean seriously, shouldn't the other doctor have consulted with my doctor before telling me to do clomid again??

After twiddling my thumbs for 2 weeks, waiting for this cycle to be over, AF showed up this weekend. So yesterday I called the doctor about scheduling a baseline ultrasound. They told me to come in at 2:15. About 15 minutes later, the nurse calls to ask if I have done the class for the injectables. Um, no. She then proceeds to tell me that I can't do injectables until I've done the class, and since they just had a class the previous week, the next one won't be till next Thursday! So pretty much this will be the second wasted month in a row. She told me that I could just do clomid again this month- um, no thanks.

Whirlwind

Well, another month has come and gone, and once again I'm back at the doctors office today for my baseline ultrasound, because... could you guess? I'm still not pregnant.

 It's kind of funny actually, because this month was anything BUT normal. It did start off normal enough, but then about a week before our scheduled IUI, I found out that my mother was going to need a total hysterectomy as she had stage 1 uterine cancer.  She wanted me to come and stay with her for about a week and a half because she was not sure what kind of state she would be in after the surgery. 

NOW, this would have been pretty simple, only she lives in Jamaica (yes, I'm from Jamaica, and yes,  there are white Jamaicans), AND I had my IUI scheduled for Monday Sept 6th, and her surgery was on Thursday the 9th!  Needless to say, I went to my IUI appointment at 10am, and was off to the airport headed to Jamaica by 2:30 the same day!  Of course as I printed my boarding pass I realized that somehow I had booked my last connection wrong, and had to spend 12 hours in Miami, but that's another story!

Anyway, it was pretty funny, because I was scheduling this whole trip to Jamaica ( have I mentioned that I have not been back in 9 years??) around IF treatments! I determined when I had to be back in the US by determining when I would need to be back for my next baseline ultrasound (what can I say, out of habit I had to assume that I was not going to be pregnant). When it was time for me to leave, my mom wanted me to stay longer.. how much longer? Well, it could not be more than four days, because I had to be back for a b.ultrasound by day 5 of my cycle. I mean seriously, how did everything in my life come to revolve around IF! In fact, my husband and I were thinking about what we were going to do for Christmas, and the first thing I thought about was how it might interfere with our treatment schedule!

The crazy thing is, this will be our fourth IUI with clomid... now I'm pretty sure that this is the last time that it will be this simple, I mean, until more drastic measures come into play. Needless to say I'm more hopeful than ever this cycle, as I don't want to face what seems to be the inevitable injectables and IVF.

Inevitable

I have decided that the most difficult days of the month are the last few days before AF is due to arrive. They used to be exiting and hopeful days, but now, they are just downright depressing. I am finding it hard to be optimistic anymore because, let's face it, after over 2 years of getting my hopes up only to be let down EVERY SINGE MONTH, it's kind of hard to think that "this month" will be any different. Instead, the inevitable happens-  my boobs start to get sore, and my BBT plummets... surpirse surprise. I guess AF will be here any time now. Guess I should start thinking about scheduling my baseline ultrasound for our third IUI.

I suppose I was hoping that this month would have been different. Hubby and I have been getting acupuncture for 3 months now. Acupuncture guy said that it takes 3 months to make a new batch of sperm, and that they have doubled patients morphology before.  I guess in my mind I was thinking that after 3 months, hubby's morphology woes would be cured and we'd get pregnant naturally... I guess not.

I want him to get another analysis done now that it has been 3 months, but I pretty nervous about it- what if nothing has changed? What if the past 3 months of pricey acupuncture and herbs have made no difference?  I guess I'll try to be hopeful for this, (what I think will be) our last IUI before resorting to more drastic measures. Hopefully the acupuncture really did make a difference, and our odds will be increased for the IUI this month.

Did I mention the cruel birthday joke I got played on me last month? Well, only a couple of days after my 30th birthday, (yes, the one I had always hoped I'd be pregnant by) I found out two things...
1. That my cousin was pregnant with baby #2.  I was still getting over baby #1 which is only a year old (I had always imagined that I would give my grandmother her first great grandchild, as I am her eldest grandchild). I gathered that they were a bit bummed because they hadn't wanted to be pregnant again so soon- POOR THEM!
2. Only a couple hours after I got this news, as I sat there thinking that it would be a really cruel joke if AF were to arrive... It did... Happy Birthday to me.

Seriously. It's not supposed to be this hard.

Bittersweet

Since we moved back to Cali in November we have been renting. We moved back a bit earlier than anticipated, and our tenants lease was not up until the end of July.

Last week was very bittersweet- we finally got the keys back, and it was like Christmas when the huge moving truck arrived with all of our belongings that we had not seen in 8 months. I literally mean ALL our belongings! We rented a furnished place downtown, so the only things that we did not have in storage were a couple suitcases worth of clothes and personal effects, and that's it!

It was also pretty sad, because when we left for Georgia, we imagined what it would be like when we moved back in with our child we were so certain that we would have.  I remember very distinctly saying "Goodbye house, next time I see you we will have a new addition, or maybe two!"  Sorry house.

I was thinking today of how many times over the years I freaked out when I did not take my birth control on time, or the time in college when a condom broke (my hubby met in college 9 years ago) and I rushed to Planned Parenthood for the morning after pill.  It is just funny to think how petrified I was that I would get pregnant back then, in comparison to now when I am so petrified that I won't. It is just so ironic that you end up devoting your life to achieving the very thing you tried so hard to avoid for so long.