11 wks 2 days

 The past two weeks seems to have flown by, and yesterday we had our 11w2d appointment.  LOVE our new doctor! She spent about an hour with us, just talking with us about everything we might expect with twins, answering our questions, going over lab results etc. etc.  She is seriously the nicest doctor I have ever had. OH, I also had my very first abdominal ultrasound! Bye bye dildo cam! The twins have grown so much, arms and legs flying, and they were literally kicking off the walls and bouncing from one side to the other- crazy!  She told my husband to turn on the video on his phone so he could record it, if we had known we would have bought a real camera!

And here they are... First, baby A with a fist up by the face either waving or saying "No pictures please"!

And, both of them together- Baby B on the left is lying on his back, top of head to camera and LONG legs in the air- love the little feet! Baby A is not in focus.

This is the first decent one of them together, granted A is not in focus, but still!  She says they look great, and are totally separate from each other which is a really good sign. One is higher up in my uterus, and one is further down (although in this pic they look right next to each other)  She says I am a bit anemic already so she wants me to start taking extra iron supplements, also extra calcium. Previously I had only been told to take extra folic acid- 1400mcg. 

Last week I went in to get blood work done, and they seriously took like 7 vials! Today the doctor told me she was scheduling me for even more, to test things like liver and kidney function, as well as a glucose tolerance test- yikes!

Next up, NT scan next week- this makes 5 ultrasounds in 7 weeks! Can't wait to see my babies again! I'll post some belly pics soon- I've been taking them every week in the same place in the same outfit.  Unfortunately you can't see much of a difference between the weeks just yet...

9 Weeks

Finally! Our nine week ultrasound. 75 degrees and sunny, and Hubs decided to work from home so that he wouldn't be rushing to and from work all day.

I have to admit, it was slightly surreal sitting in the "normal" OB's office, surrounded by pregnant couples and kids. A stark difference from the quiet and sullen mood of the infertility clinic surrounded by other infertile and childless couples.  The OB office seems like such a strange world to me, I feel like I have abandoned my home at the infertility clinic, and the other couples that I had a kinship with, for a world of pregnant people where I still feel like I don't quite fit in.

 We met with a NP who told us that for the rest of the pregnancy we would be seen by a doctor, as NP's don't deal with twins.  We did the ultrasound, and my, how they have grown!  I have to admit, the ultrasound machine was pretty crappy, and the pictures are terrible. There is only one decent one of Twin A (of course), and even that is pretty much just an outline.  I sent it to my mom and she said  "Wow, that's a really bad picture".  Oh well.

All in all the appointment went pretty well, UNTIL, my husband asked her something about her opinion on waiting till after the first trimester to tell people (he's having a hard time not telling the world), and the nurse replied that she would wait. Then she said that most miscarriages happen between week 9 and 12.  I mean seriously, that is NOT something you want to be telling someone like me!  Just as I was starting to feel confident in this pregnancy at nine weeks!

We scheduled a nuchal screening for next week- primarily because it lets me get another ultrasound in- a high tech one at that, and I'll gladly take any chance to see my babies that I can get!

Jumping the gun and baby brain

Last week I woke up, and found my husband crib shopping online.  I don't mean getting ideas for cribs, I literally mean, he wanted to go out and buy cribs last week, at barely 7 1/2 weeks.  My mother has also told me that she now has no life, because she is spending every waking moment looking up baby/twin stuff.  This makes me a little bit freaked out.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they're so optimistic, but I'm I'm still scared.  I just feel like it's still so early, definitely too early to be crib shopping.  Some days I still can't believe that it is all happening, and find myself freaking out on a regular basis about things that could go wrong, like disappearing twin syndrome. Then I read books about symptoms I should have by now at 8 weeks, like darkening nipples, weight gain,  pants getting tight etc. especially with twins, and I am not having any of these. Yes, I know some people have few to no symptoms, but it still worries me.

I actually got into a mini argument with my hubby a few days after the crib incident when I found him mapping out and measuring the babies room.  I told him that I thought he was jumping the gun, and that we should not be doing any of these things yet,  but then instantly felt really selfish for trying to put a damper on his excitement.  It makes me so happy to see how exited he is, and perhaps I am scared partly because it would break my heart to see his heart break if anything were to go wrong.  Maybe I'm also just jealous of his optimism.

On a lighter note, I had a MAJOR case of baby brain! So I somehow got it into my head that my appointment with the new OB was this week Monday.  Mind you, I have had two appointment notices sitting on the table for exactly two weeks saying February 7th in big bold letters, and look at them at least once a day!  Lucky for me I happened to be online looking at some of my past doctors visit info on Monday morning, mere hours before the supposed appointment, when I clicked on the link for "upcoming appointments" and noticed the date! Of course I had to call my husband and tell him that I had the wrong week, and not to show up at the doc's office! Then I had to explain the situation to my parents and in-laws when they called asking how it went... how embarrassing! I suppose it could have been worse though- we could actually have showed up and had them tell us "Um, I think you have the wrong week.." Oh, also,  I was at the supermarket and when it was time to enter my preferred number (my phone number I've had for 6 years), as I do at least twice a week,  it totally took me about 10 seconds to think of it.. I actually started punching in 1-800!

Oh well, the good news is that we're almost half way through the week already! By next Monday, our real appointment day, I will be 9 weeks! Two thirds of the way done with the first trimester!

7 Weeks

Introducing,.....
"Twin A" who seems to be the outgoing one, always eager to pose for the camera- It seriously looks like two eyes facing front, and the arms are folded - kind of like a baby genie! Ok ok, I know there are no arms yet, only arm buds, but that's what it looks like to me!

And....
"Twin B"- they shy one, always evading the camera- we have not seen a really clear image of him/her yet. It seems the yolk sac makes a bigger appearance in this picture than B does!  Since they are not identical, and therefore not in the same spot, apparently this one is further away and that's what makes it difficult, but we did see the heartbeat and I guess that's what's important right now!

Here they are together... I couldn't decide whether to post this one or not, because they were REALLY uncooperative with being photographed together... It took forever just to get them in the same shot- forget about being in focus! I think you see more of the yolk sacs than either of them here... but here they are anyway, both measuring in at exactly 7 weeks.

There you have it! I have my first appointment with a regular OB next Monday- crazy! A doctor for "normal" pregnant people! No more fertility clinic!  This will make 3 appointments and 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks. This is just perfect for me seeing as I am a natural worrier, I kind of need the constant reassurance!  Seriously, I grope my boobs about 10 times a day, just to make sure they are still sore, and freak out if the sensitivity lessens.  I'm counting down the days until the first trimester is over so that I can breathe a LITTLE easier!

Walking Contradiction

This week is going by surprisingly quickly which is great, because it means only three days until my second ultrasound.  I cannot wait to finally have some pictures! The whole twin thing is so very exiting, but kind of overwhelming at the same time when I try to imagine how I am going to manage two screaming babies at the same time in the middle of the night, or, how does one leave the house by oneself with two babies? Not to mention needing two of everything. I think we need a bigger house! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely wouldn't change a thing, and am incredibly grateful- I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing!

As for symptoms...
I swear every hour or so I'm struck by the most voracious hunger- like I haven't eaten in a month.  I'll be fine one minute, and the next I literally feel ill because I'm SO hungry.  Just today I was on my way home, and planned to stop at the grocery store right by my house to pick up just one thing, and almost didn't because I literally thought I might keel over if I didn't eat something that very second.  The kicker is, despite being so hungry all the time, I have to force myself to eat because nothing seems appetizing. Don't get me wrong, I CAN stomach anything without feeling the need to puke, I just don't want to.  Weird, I know- starving, but no appetite. I can't explain it.  This is especially the case with my own cooking.  I find it easier to eat things that have not come out of my kitchen, which is weird because normally I love to cook.

The other weird thing is, I am tired during the day, but I seriously cannot sleep at night.  This has been the case since a couple of days before I even found out I was pregnant.  I am literally up at least 3 times a night. Sometimes because I have to pee, but others, who knows. Then it takes me forever to fall back asleep, only to be up again in a couple hours.  I mean I've heard of this happening late in pregnancy, but at barely 7 weeks?  Oh, the best is when I wake up and then get the incredible hunger, so I have to stumble down to the kitchen at two in the morning to get some food if I'm to have any hope of going back to sleep.

So there you have it. Hungry but no appetite, and tired but can't sleep.  I feel like a walking contradiction!

Could you repeat that?

So up until this point, I have had no nausea whatsoever. However this morning, as we sat in the doctors office waiting for almost an hour to be seen (guess there was some issue with rebooting the ultrasound machine), I seriously thought I might throw up all over the waiting room because I was so nervous.  All those negative thoughts that I had tried so hard to push out of my head started flooding back- what if there is nothing there? what if there is no heartbeat?

Anyway, FINALLY it was our turn. We went in, got situated, the doc came in and finally the moment of truth... He started up the ultrasound, and the first thing he said was "Well, the pregnancies are in the right spot..." at which point my husband interrupted him and said "Excuse me? Did you just say pregnancIES?"  The doctor chuckled and said "You caught that did you? Yup, looks like there are two!" He then proceeded to measure each, and sure enough, there was a tiny flutter of a heartbeat in each one!

Holy crap!!!! TWINS!!! I don't even know what I was feeling, I was just in complete shock. Shock that there was actually something in there after all, and shock that there were TWO somethings in there!  As we walked out of the exam room, all the nurses congratulated us, and as we walked into the waiting room, a lady who was waiting to be seen got up and hugged us both and congratulated us.

We have another appointment next week Monday, and the doctor said he would give us some good pictures then, because at only 6 weeks and 1 day you really could barely make out anything at all. As I walked out with our fun little pregnancy packet, it finally hit me - We're pregnant! With TWINS!!!  Someone pinch me!

Drumroll...

So... HCG #3 this morning.  I must have checked my email for the results about a hundred times between 7:30 and 9:00 when they finally showed up. The results? 2016!!! Thats more than triple what it was on Tuesday!  Holy cow!  I called the nurse to see what I was supposed to do next, expecting to be told that I had to wait until week 7-8  for an ultrasound, which would have meant an excruciating two to three weeks. What did she say? The 17th! Six weeks! That's only 10 days from now!

Of course that means 10 days without any form of reassurance. I'll gladly take some symptoms as my reassurance, some nausea and vomiting sounds amazing.  So far my only symptoms are a stuffy nose + draining sinuses for the past 2 weeks, lots of peeing, and sore boobs- but hey, they've pretty much been sore for the past month with all the drugs anyway, so it's not a very novel symptom. I'm sure I'll eat my words eventually, but couldn't I have a little nausea please?

Has it sunk in yet? Not at all. I'm really trying, but it just doesn't seem real.  I'm beginning to think that it won't sink in until the ultrasound.  Until then, all I need to do is not drive myself insane!

So Far So Good...

It STILL has not hit me yet. Maybe that's a good thing because it's still so early and I know that anything can happen.  I got some reassurance yesterday when I finally got to call the doctors office, and the nurse told me that 257 was a very healthy number and not at all too high- PHEW!  She told me to go in for another HCG test today, which was a big bummer because I REALLY wanted to go in yesterday.  She told me that she was hoping to see 500. Well, just got the results back.... 589!!!

So.... I feel better.... for now.  

I have to go in for another HCG test on Friday, and  I have a feeling it might be the last one.  I might just go into a panic at not having that constant reassurance every 72 hours. 

1/1/11 Am I Dreaming??

This morning I woke up, not happy at all about the new year.  Hubs and I got into a silly fight last night, and rang in the new year on less than ideal terms.  Not to mention, I have been having horrendous cold/allergy symptoms for the past week, and now my abdomen is actually sore from coughing so much.

I was due for my HCG test this morning, and could not decide whether I should go to a different lab than normal (as it's a holiday, and mine's closed), or just wait until Monday and go to mine.  I was pretty certain that the test would be negative, and I thought that it would just be an unbelievably bad way to start the new year.  I got dressed around 8, then sat on the couch until about 11 when I finally figured I should just get it over with.

With Kaiser you can check your test results on line, so after the blood test I went back home, lay on the couch, and every half an hour or so, checked my email.  Eventually, about two hours later, I got the email "You have new test results".  I logged into my account, tentatively found the test, clicked on it for the results, and quickly closed my eyes.  PLEEASE, I thought, just let it be over 25.  I slowly opened my eyes, and what did I see?  257!!!!!!  Holy crap!! I'm.............. pregnant!!! I immediately freaked out, then started to panic that the number was too high, and that it could be ectopic or something, but after scouring the internet, found many other women who had really high HCG levels early on and it was fine.

Of course I ran out and bought a pregnancy test, just so that I could see it with my own eyes.  Got home, POAS, and lo and behold, a second line!!!!! Silly as it may sound, that was actually more realistic to me than the blood test. To be honest, it really hasn't sunk in yet.  It will be Monday before I hear from my doctor, and I am very cautiously optimistic.  The number being so high does concern me a tiny bit, but it's just hard to accept that it is real. Hubs is out golfing, so I'm holding off telling him until he gets home.

For now at least..... I"M PREGNANT!!!!

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is to be able to hang one of these on my tree.... This is the third Christmas that I have said this... I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

Well, 5 doctor appointments, 3 blood tests, 9 shots to the belly (and one to the thigh) later, I have officially survived my first round of injectables! We did the IUI on Saturday, and could you guess?  My blood pregnancy test is scheduled for January 1st. So either we ring in the new year with the best news possible or the worst.

We did Christmas a bit early this year because my MIL and SIL were here visiting for a week. This coincided precisely with when I had to begin the injectables. The first night was a disaster, I didn't screw the needle on properly, and as I injected the solution ended up all over the floor, and I had no idea how much I got in.  I called the nurse panicked the next morning, and she had me do a half a dose right then, and then back to normal that evening.  I must say that it never really got any easier to inject myself, I would prepare everything and then just stand there for an eternity with the needle an inch from my abdomen telling myself "Just do it already, it's not that bad, just get it over with" while my hand refused to budge.  

It simply seems that Christmas this year has been totally consumed with infertility treatments and reminders.  While opening Christmas presents, we got a call reminding me of an upcoming doctors appointment.  On the way to see a Christmas production of "The Grinch" I got another phone call to remind me of an appointment.  Before we went out at night I had to take my shot, and if we were already out for the day, we had to be home in time for me to do my shot.  Not to mention having to leave the family for doctors appointments every couple of days, or the fact that my arm looked like I could have been a heroin addict from the bruises as a result of the constant blood tests.

Now the family is gone, and it's the first Christmas in 8 years that my husband and I will be spending on our own, dreaming of the day when we can hang that long awaited ornament on the tree, or hang that third stocking.

Tomorrow I go for a progesterone test, and  I also start progesterone suppositories, which is a first for me.  From what I hear, they are pretty awful (although I can't quite imagine anything being as awful as the shots, so I'm not too worried!). After that, just the preg. test on the 1st.

All we can do is  hope for a Christmas miracle!!

Suspicious Activity

So, something happened today that would have been pretty funny had it not been so embarrassing..... My credit card was declined.  Why? because apparently spending $800 dollars in a matter of hours on a doctors appointment and fertility meds is not normal, so they red flagged my account for suspicious transactions!!

There I am at the pharmacy, boxes of Menopur, syringes, and other such goodies stacked on the counter in front of me, and my card is being declined! So, they have me stand there and call the bank to figure out the problem. Ten minutes later, I'm talking to the lady at the bank verifying each every transaction that has taken place over the past week, while the line of impatient people behind me gets longer and longer!  Anyway, eventually it was all figured out, and I took my extremely large bag of drugs and headed out of there as quickly as possible!

So... as I'm sure you've guessed, it's finally time for the injectables.  I start them next Wednesday, and if all goes well, the IUI will be scheduled for a couple days before Christmas.  I mean, how else could I possibly want to spend the holidays?  I did the practice shot at the doctor's office, and I must say, that compared to the HCG shot, it was a piece of cake! I can't even describe how happy I am that the needle is so tiny, I mean, I seriously doubt that I could make myself jab that HCG needle into my body every day!

So.... here goes nothing!

Downregulation

Birth Control Pills????? Wait a minute, doesn't that PREVENT you from getting pregnant? Of all the things I was expecting to hear, the fact that I need to take birth control pills for a month was certainly not on the list!

Well, yesterday DH and I attended the infamous "Injectables Class" that we had to attend before starting Menopur.  Four infertile couples, sitting in a room, learning all about the risks and benefits of Menopur, playing with syringes (although luckily no practice shots were done... yet). Then the nurse dropped the bomb. We are the only couple who needed to do "downregulation", meaning that next month, I'll need to go on the pill to get my ovaries to "settle down" as the nurse put it. I guess this is a good thing, because when I start doing the shots, the follicles will all grow at the same rate instead of there already being a lead follicle.  

A good thing, yes, but also frustrating, because it means another month of doing nothing. This will make three months of doing nothing- first because I was "accidentally" told to take clomid, then because I wasn't scheduled for the class on time, and now because I need to be on the pill for a month.  Now seriously, surely I could have taken the pill this month without going to the class first! 

I guess this means that the Menopur cycle will take place in December- What a way to spend Christmas! It will also be exactly one year since we started treatment, and almost 3 years since we started TTC!

Seriously?

Yes, I am trying to say that I want to rip my hair out right about now!  Over the past month, nothing seems to be working out the way that it should. It's just been one setback after another. Allow me to start from the beginning.....

So DH got his semen analysis done again (after a series of previous conflicting results from different places, i.e, 0% morphology, then totally normal morphology). This time he got them both done in the same week to have as little variation as possible.  SO first he got his Kaiser results back- everything looks AMAZING, totally normal, better than last time. Hmmmm, well, they did say that it was normal last time to so... Then we got the results back from the other place (who told us it was 5% normal morphology last time) and this it was 3%!!! Yes, WORSE than last time, and definitely not normal. 

Now I am confused.  So far we have had 2 different places tell us that his morphology sucks, and Kaiser who keeps telling us that it's normal. Who are we supposed to believe? Do we go to a fourth place?? I am also royally pissed off because DH has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on acupuncture and herbs for the past 3 months that were supposed to be helping. Acupuncture guy said that it was the first time he had ever seen someone's results get worse instead of better. Great. Needless to say DH won't be doing any more acupuncture.

Next problem... Last month I saw a different doctor for my baseline ultrasound because mine was booked.  She told me to go ahead and start doing Clomid again. I did. Fast forward a week, and I'm back in the doctors office for another ultrasound. MY doctor walks in, and proceeds to tell me that he does not want me to do clomid anymore because it's obviously not working. He want's me to start injectables. He talks for about 20 minutes about our new plan of action, before he realizes that I have already done clomid this month! He pretty much says that we should not bother with the IUI, gives me the trigger shot right there in the office, and sends me home to get busy. I mean seriously, shouldn't the other doctor have consulted with my doctor before telling me to do clomid again??

After twiddling my thumbs for 2 weeks, waiting for this cycle to be over, AF showed up this weekend. So yesterday I called the doctor about scheduling a baseline ultrasound. They told me to come in at 2:15. About 15 minutes later, the nurse calls to ask if I have done the class for the injectables. Um, no. She then proceeds to tell me that I can't do injectables until I've done the class, and since they just had a class the previous week, the next one won't be till next Thursday! So pretty much this will be the second wasted month in a row. She told me that I could just do clomid again this month- um, no thanks.

Whirlwind

Well, another month has come and gone, and once again I'm back at the doctors office today for my baseline ultrasound, because... could you guess? I'm still not pregnant.

 It's kind of funny actually, because this month was anything BUT normal. It did start off normal enough, but then about a week before our scheduled IUI, I found out that my mother was going to need a total hysterectomy as she had stage 1 uterine cancer.  She wanted me to come and stay with her for about a week and a half because she was not sure what kind of state she would be in after the surgery. 

NOW, this would have been pretty simple, only she lives in Jamaica (yes, I'm from Jamaica, and yes,  there are white Jamaicans), AND I had my IUI scheduled for Monday Sept 6th, and her surgery was on Thursday the 9th!  Needless to say, I went to my IUI appointment at 10am, and was off to the airport headed to Jamaica by 2:30 the same day!  Of course as I printed my boarding pass I realized that somehow I had booked my last connection wrong, and had to spend 12 hours in Miami, but that's another story!

Anyway, it was pretty funny, because I was scheduling this whole trip to Jamaica ( have I mentioned that I have not been back in 9 years??) around IF treatments! I determined when I had to be back in the US by determining when I would need to be back for my next baseline ultrasound (what can I say, out of habit I had to assume that I was not going to be pregnant). When it was time for me to leave, my mom wanted me to stay longer.. how much longer? Well, it could not be more than four days, because I had to be back for a b.ultrasound by day 5 of my cycle. I mean seriously, how did everything in my life come to revolve around IF! In fact, my husband and I were thinking about what we were going to do for Christmas, and the first thing I thought about was how it might interfere with our treatment schedule!

The crazy thing is, this will be our fourth IUI with clomid... now I'm pretty sure that this is the last time that it will be this simple, I mean, until more drastic measures come into play. Needless to say I'm more hopeful than ever this cycle, as I don't want to face what seems to be the inevitable injectables and IVF.

Inevitable

I have decided that the most difficult days of the month are the last few days before AF is due to arrive. They used to be exiting and hopeful days, but now, they are just downright depressing. I am finding it hard to be optimistic anymore because, let's face it, after over 2 years of getting my hopes up only to be let down EVERY SINGE MONTH, it's kind of hard to think that "this month" will be any different. Instead, the inevitable happens-  my boobs start to get sore, and my BBT plummets... surpirse surprise. I guess AF will be here any time now. Guess I should start thinking about scheduling my baseline ultrasound for our third IUI.

I suppose I was hoping that this month would have been different. Hubby and I have been getting acupuncture for 3 months now. Acupuncture guy said that it takes 3 months to make a new batch of sperm, and that they have doubled patients morphology before.  I guess in my mind I was thinking that after 3 months, hubby's morphology woes would be cured and we'd get pregnant naturally... I guess not.

I want him to get another analysis done now that it has been 3 months, but I pretty nervous about it- what if nothing has changed? What if the past 3 months of pricey acupuncture and herbs have made no difference?  I guess I'll try to be hopeful for this, (what I think will be) our last IUI before resorting to more drastic measures. Hopefully the acupuncture really did make a difference, and our odds will be increased for the IUI this month.

Did I mention the cruel birthday joke I got played on me last month? Well, only a couple of days after my 30th birthday, (yes, the one I had always hoped I'd be pregnant by) I found out two things...
1. That my cousin was pregnant with baby #2.  I was still getting over baby #1 which is only a year old (I had always imagined that I would give my grandmother her first great grandchild, as I am her eldest grandchild). I gathered that they were a bit bummed because they hadn't wanted to be pregnant again so soon- POOR THEM!
2. Only a couple hours after I got this news, as I sat there thinking that it would be a really cruel joke if AF were to arrive... It did... Happy Birthday to me.

Seriously. It's not supposed to be this hard.

Bittersweet

Since we moved back to Cali in November we have been renting. We moved back a bit earlier than anticipated, and our tenants lease was not up until the end of July.

Last week was very bittersweet- we finally got the keys back, and it was like Christmas when the huge moving truck arrived with all of our belongings that we had not seen in 8 months. I literally mean ALL our belongings! We rented a furnished place downtown, so the only things that we did not have in storage were a couple suitcases worth of clothes and personal effects, and that's it!

It was also pretty sad, because when we left for Georgia, we imagined what it would be like when we moved back in with our child we were so certain that we would have.  I remember very distinctly saying "Goodbye house, next time I see you we will have a new addition, or maybe two!"  Sorry house.

I was thinking today of how many times over the years I freaked out when I did not take my birth control on time, or the time in college when a condom broke (my hubby met in college 9 years ago) and I rushed to Planned Parenthood for the morning after pill.  It is just funny to think how petrified I was that I would get pregnant back then, in comparison to now when I am so petrified that I won't. It is just so ironic that you end up devoting your life to achieving the very thing you tried so hard to avoid for so long.

1/3 Life Crisis

So.... ever since my husband turned 30 a couple weeks ago, he seems to have grown exceedingly impatient with the whole ttc journey.  He has asked me at least twice this week when we are going to do IVF.  I am actually surprised that he is saying this and not me, as I would have never thought that I would make it this long without saying "Screw baby steps, bring on the IVF!".

I must admit that I'm feeling a little impatient myself, but after learning more about what the IVF process entails physically on my part, I am a little more willing to proceed with baby steps, in hopes that it won't be necessary after all!  I don't think he quite understands what it entails physically for me, as all he has to do is provide some swimmers in a cup!  I mean seriously, I have a hard enough time with the one HCG shot for IUI's! I absolutely cannot imagine giving myself 2-3 shots a day for up to two weeks! Not to mention the whole egg retrieval process. And of course, we can't forget about the price tag! And then, what if after everything, it doesn't work??

In all honesty, after this next month of acupuncture and herbs, I think we will do one more IUI, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure we will end up doing IVF.

Aunt Flo

Did you guess? Yup Dear Aunt Flo is here! I'm sure she's quite confused as to what she has been doing wrong for the past two years to cause me such distress when she shows up. "But I used to bring you such peace of mind" I can hear her say. Oh Aunt Flo, I know it's hard to understand, but I think we need some time apart.... Perhaps you can go visit some 16 year old for about 9 months... what do you think?

Anyway, I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow, and I need to make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound, just to make sure everything is all clear.  I do think that we're going to hold off on the IUI's for another month, and make it a full three months of just acupuncture and herbs for the hubby and I.

Also, I guess I need something new to aspire to- I am now hoping for a baby by the time I'm 31, as obviously the whole 30 thing didn't work out... Thanks a lot Aunt Flo!

The Big 30

Well, it's official, I'm not in my twenties anymore! Yup, I turned the big 30 yesterday.  It's a pretty weird feeling, because 30 has always seemed so far away.  How can I be 30 and still feel like a kid?

Anyway, last month I was trying to be optimistic that I would be granted my biggest wish- to be pregnant by the time I turned 30... Am I pregnant you ask? Well, I don't know! I should be getting my period like NOW if I'm not.

I went to the acupuncturist this week, and he thought that my BBT chart looked like I could be pregnant.  Exiting, yes, but after two years of trying,  I knew better than to get my hopes up.  He told me to take a pregnancy test in about 3 days if I hadn't gotten my period. Today would be day 3. Have I gotten my period? No. Am I taking a test? No. I really can't start off my first day as a 30 year old with ANOTHER lonely pink line. I'll give it another day or two... or maybe even three. In other words, I'll wait until I am definitely late!

It's pretty crazy how much herbs we are consuming- we literally go through a bottle of pills each every 10 days!  We have also been pretty diligent about getting our acupuncture appointments in every week.Two weeks ago he actually attached electrodes to the needles, so it was kind of like getting my ovaries electrocuted for 45 minutes!

Anyway, I'm tentatively keeping my fingers crossed... I'll let you know what happens!

Fran the Follicle

Meet Fran the follicle! Turns out the pesky leftover cyst is still around this month, so IUI's are still on hold. I was actually planning to take another month (or maybe two) off from Clomid and IUI's anyway, so I wasn't too bummed out.  I'm certainly not missing giving myself the HCG shot!

I'm feeling pretty good about the acupuncture and herbs that my hubby and I have been doing. I guess only time will tell how much of a difference they make!

I also started doing BBT charting, which is actually pretty fun....

No this isn't mine, if only it were this perfect!

He's th.. thi... thirty!!

Well, we didn't celebrate fathers day this weekend, but we did celebrate my husband's birthday. He was actually born on Father's Day, although this year his birthday fell on a Saturday.

It's kind of funny, ever since we got married six years ago, people have been asking us when we were going to have kids. I never knew for sure, but figured that it would definitely be by the time I turned 30. It's also pretty funny to think about how far away thirty seemed back then. Even when we started trying two years ago, it seemed certain that we would have at least one kid by now. 

For my husband, I guess the dream of having a kid by the time he turned thirty is over. For me, well, I still have one more month to go. My birthday is in exactly thirty two days. At this point it looks pretty doubtful that I'll be pregnant by then, but I can still dream... for 32 more days.

I never really thought about my life after thirty. Well, I imagined what my life would be like, but when it came to putting a deadline or date to certain things, it was always- I'd like to do x y & z by the time I'm thirty, or I'm sure that x y & z will have happened by the time I'm thirty. Now all of a sudden, thirty isn't some number in the distant future, it's only 32 days away!

As far as everything to do with getting pregnant goes, we are still on the holistic journey this month. Taking our herbs, and getting acupuncture every week. Tomorrow will be my fourth, and Friday will be my husbands third. He is pretty proud of the fact that he can now swallow six pills at once! Since he takes about 20 pills a day between vitamins and herbs, I convinced him that taking them one at a time was going to consume his life! It only took him about 3 days to make his way up to six- guess I'm a pretty good teacher ;)

Going the Holistic Route

This month is dedicated to all things natural!  I went to the doctor for my baseline ultrasound on Monday to get our third IUI underway, only to hear that I still had a very large cyst (follicle) from last month.  Now I know why they do baseline ultrasounds- to make sure that you DON"T have one of these! She said that it should go down soon, but that we can't do anything IUI wise this month. As I walked out, she told me "Have a nice June, give us a call next month!"

I went to the acupuncturist on Tuesday for my second appointment and heard that my husbands tie breaking semen analysis was in! In a nutshell, it was not as bad as the first (which gave him 0% normal morphology) and not as good as the second one (which gave him 14% or greater normal morphology). It was actually closer to the first one, giving him 5% normal morphology, which is still pretty bad (normal is >14%).  I guess it's kind of like getting a D in school- you didn't fail, but you still did pretty badly!

I feel a lot better now that we have a third opinion.  The acupuncturist said that he has had a lot of success improving morphology- even doubling it! So, to make a long story short, we will both be doing acupuncture for fertililty!  I figure that it can only help, even if we end up resorting to IVF, at least the sperm, eggs, and my uterus will be in better condition!!  I left with a bottle of pills (herbs) for each of us. Four pills three times a day for me on days 4-14 of my cycle, and six pills two times a day for my hubby (to make it easier for him to remember)!

I'm feeling very optimistic and exited about embarking on this holistic journey!  I really believe that it is going to make a difference. I'm also pretty exited about having a month free of doctors appointments and Clomid!

The sun will come out....

I'm feeling pretty optimistic today! No, I'm not pregnant, but the two things that we have been talking about doing for months are finally happening.

1. Acupuncture
2. Third semen analysis- for the long awaited tie breaker!

I really don't care what the results are for the semen analysis, I just have not been comfortable with the fact that we have two completely opposite sets of results from two different places. I just don't want to be wasting money month after month with IUI's and the like, if ICSI is really the only option.

As far as acupuncture goes, I have heard many good things about it, in terms of improving fertility, so I'm exited to be finally trying it out.

Regardless, I am feeling more optimistic today than I have felt in months. By mid week next week, we should have results for the semen analysis, I will have had my second round of acupuncture, and I will have had my third baseline ultrasound. Busy week!

(I did take the acupuncturist's advice this morning, and eat 2 organic eggs for breakfast!)

Alternative Methods

Today I tried something new (well, new for me, anyway)... Acupuncture!  The place I went to specializes in fertility acupuncture, so I figured, why not? Anything to improve my odds! The appointment was almost 2 hours long, and was mostly spent in a room answering what seemed like a million questions- the majority of which were about my period.  Way more thorough than any doctors visit. At the end of it I had an acupuncture session, he said that since I did not know whether I was pregnant or not, he would just do something to support the luteal phase of my cycle. I had needles on my head, face, arms, legs, hands, feet, and stomach! He also put a heat lamp over my abdomen. It was pretty relaxing, and not painful at all. He examined my tongue several times, took my pulse and gave me his observations.

He told me that I should avoid cold foods, like cold salads, beverages etc. This would be okay, except my favorite thing to make is a fruit smoothie!  He said that the best thing was to drink whole milk and full fat dairy products (if I had cysts, or fibroids etc. I would have been told to avoid dairy), lots of steamed vegetables, organic eggs and grains. He also said that in the beginning of my cycle I should eat red meat (my husband will love that one!). He gave me a whole binder about natural fertility and acupuncture that I have yet to look through, and sold me whey powder with stevia sweetener (not artificial sweetener) and green powder.  He said he will wait to see if I'm pregnant or not to decide what herbs to give me.

 I have another appointment on Tuesday, so I'll let you know how it goes!

I have not taken a pregnancy test this month.  If it were last month, I would have taken 2 by now. I'll know by tomorrow anyway depending on if I get my period or not. I really am done seeing those lonely pink lines.

IUI #2 Back in the Stirrups

 At exactly 12:30 this morning, the doctor marched into the room, syringe full of freshly washed sperm in hand and proclaimed "I feel really good about this one!". I couldn't help but wonder how many times a day he makes that proclamation, and how often his premonitions are correct.

I guess that it was easier this time around, knowing what to expect. I knew I was not going to have any kooky side effects from the Clomid, and I felt much better about giving myself the trigger shot (don't get me wrong, I am absolutely positive that sticking a needle in my leg will always be totally nerve wracking). Since my appointment was at noon, I had to give myself the shot at midnight. It was not a big production like the last time. I did it on my own, in the bathroom, while my husband slept, and then quietly slipped back into bed once it was over.

There is only one problem- my brain. Everyone says, that the mind is a powerful thing, and that I should think positively, it's just that I don't seem to be able to.  I just can't help being pessimistic about this whole IUI thing. I mean, I can see it helping if the "boys" had a hard time swimming, but since they are supposedly perfect in that respect, then whats the point? How is this really helping?  I guess I am still stuck on the whole IVF with ICSI scenario that we were convinced was our only option all those months ago, and just can't help but feeling that that is the only thing that is going to work, and that these doctors are just missing something. I'm trying really hard to be positive and tell myself "It's gonna work, it's gonna work", but the only thing that keeps coming out is "It's NOT going to work".

 On the other hand..... I was watching "Giuliana and Bill" yesterday, when they went to talk to an IVF specialist. I always knew that IVF was much more involved with shots and doctors appointments etc. But I never realized just HOW involved it was. I guess that I figured that the shots would be on the same schedule as the Clomid, once a day for 5 days, then harvest etc. I had no idea that it was 2-3 shots a day for 2 WEEKS!!! I can't even imagine. My leg is sore from just the one shot! And possibly having to go in for ultrasounds every day??? And worst of all, and I mean absolutely WORST of all, needing to have an IV in when it comes time to harvest the eggs.  Have I mentioned that IV's are my biggest nightmare? In fact, when it comes to having a baby, it's not labor that scares me, it's the IV.  And then, what if, after all the shots, all the doctors appointments, the IV, the stress, and not to mention the bill, it doesn't work???

I suppose it's no use worrying about that now, since we have not gotten to that point yet. My mother is coming to visit for a month on Tuesday, so that will help keep me occupied for the dreaded two week wait...

Not this Year

For the past three years as Mothers Day approaches, I have been optimistic that I will be able to celebrate as a  "mother to be", and imagine the next year, celebrating with my baby.  It seems each year I find out only a few days before Mothers Day, that it is in fact, not my year.

I guess it goes without say that I am not pregnant.  Only two days before Mothers Day I got my period. I knew it was coming from yesterday when I started having some cramps, but despite vowing to not take a pregnancy test until I was at least a day late (I have taken SO many pregnancy tests in the past, that I can't bear to see another negative result), I took one anyway, only to see.... yes, another negative result. This simple image of a single pink line, is in fact the thing I dread most in the world. Who would have thought that one pink line would be the image that I have nightmares about.

So I guess we are back to the drawing board. I need to call the doc. when the office opens in a few hours to schedule an appointment, and start the process all over again.  I am still feeling unsettled about my hubby's test results. It does not sit well with me that one place could say he has 0% normal sperm, while another says he's completely normal.  I am thinking that now more than ever I would like a third opinion, especially before we resort to more drastic measures. Oh well, happy someday Mothers Day to me! Hopefully next year I will be celebrating, either with a big belly, or with my own little bundle of joy!